{re{d}ress}: 03.09

3.31.2009

2 weeks

at least they give us notice now.
but it still doesn't take away the blow that i only have four more pay checks coming my way.
every time i thought i just want to be able to focus on my acting without having to work full time i carefully added an addendum that went like this but not because i've lost my job.

i guess the little wish granting fairies neglected to pay attention to that second bit.

3.26.2009

night dome

my windowsill acts as a convenient tripod.

3.25.2009

holding

sometimes,
you are asked to keep a secret of such magnitude
you worry its colors will start to seep into your voice
inhabiting the nonexistent space between words
with churning crimsons and muted greys.

and sometimes,
the weight of receiving and keeping a secret
is laughably insignificant to the weight
of the experience that it contains
and you can't help holding the teller of the secret just that much more gently.

3.24.2009

meisner - 2.???

i'm way behind. way way way behind. and the second quarter just finished tonight.
we presented our scenes as works in progress.
and i know i should be graceful to myself for the new places we've found.
for the things we were able to work out.

but.

i'm having a little bit of a rough time right now comparing my performance to what others accomplished. and to what i think i should have accomplished.

useless to fixate on it, but it's where i'm at right now and i can't argue with it.

i aim to have a more gracious review of the past month {plus!} of this quarter in the next day or so.

3.23.2009

carnival

lane himself lit a cigarette as the train pulled in. then, like so
many people, who, perhaps, ought to be issued only a very
probational pass to meet trains, he tried to empty his face of all
expression that might quite simply, perhaps even beautifully,
reveal how he felt about the arriving person.
.

...................................

franny & zooey

~j.d. salinger

...................................

i was on the bus riding home today and experienced a visceral moment of recall while reading the above passage:

.

alabama.
bayou la batre.
late afternoon waning on towards evening.
the field behind st. margaret's school.
carnival rides suggesting that perhaps it is the yearly blessing of the fleet.
and i am on a ride that circles round
passing a parent rhythmically.
and each time as i come back toward them,
i steel my face so that none of my giddy pleasure is visible.

while i remember distinctly the jittery life of my simple joy
shut away but still vibrating inside my ribcage,
the figure itself switches fluidly between my father and mother
and the ride blurs between a kiddie ride where i am alone
and a ferris wheel crammed with siblings.

at first i found it mildly bothersome
that i couldn't conjure the exact details.
i worried that my mind is confused perhaps,
or uncertain.
{yes, even my stunning memory flails at times,
joining disparate fragments haphazardly
like a four year old's first collage.}

but i've settled that, truer yet, this moment took place more than once.
it evolved from the shyness/shame of riding {and yet still enjoying} the kiddie rides alone
while my siblings are off on the bigger kid rides
to being unable to show any enjoyment whether not i was by myself.
and now i have merely reconstructed/discovered

a centerpiece for this experience--
this need to hide how much fun i was having
because it would make me too vulnerable
even for a parent to see.

i recall considering the fact that they would enjoy my enjoyment
and that i could/should leak a smile or two for their sake,
but if i conceeded, i made sure they saw it was forced.
a lie on top of a lie.
somehow even the possibility of disappointing them
was not enough inducement to risk them seeing a real smile.

the feeling of aloneness in joy
as well as the feeling of holding in joy
i still remember very well:
the unbearable pressure of hiding an explosion inside my chest
while nonchalantly pretending that everything is no big deal.

and now i wonder:
when did i learn how to do this?
and why?

and now i understand:
the simple and transcendent pleasure i will never take for granted of a laugh that is so overpowering it escapes my body and sings loud and clear from my throat.

it amazes me every time.

3.22.2009

red, red wine

a nice meal+amazing dessert+two glasses of red wine≠a belly about ready to hurl.

or at least it shouldn't.
but somehow if you add 'nathania' to the above equation, it seems to be the case.
so it doesn't matter if i get way past tipsy, or just on the far side of tipsy, my belly doesn't appear to like x>one red glass of red wine.
it has stubbornly decided: return to sender or else i will make your food return to sender.
that is the threat it has made so boldly the last two times i've had red wine.
and i'm a little grumpy about this. not that red wine has ever been my drink of choice, but i like having the freedom to drink it if that's where the night is heading.

buuuuuuuut, i shouldn't be drinking much at all right because of a little discovery my chiropractor and i made this last friday.....more on that soon.

a few domes

a week or so ago i looked out my window and saw the below.
a stunningly luminescent blue dome.
i had to send it to my photographing friend, sahra, who is a particularly attached to the dome {and will hopefully see it in person later this year--fingers crossed}.
i whipped out my trusty iphone only to find that it photographed the dome as orange{!}, which completely altered the one quality i most wanted to capture.
so, out came the hefty nikon and here you have it: a few higher than normal quality images.

i have a pet dream of staying home one day and photographing my dome once an hour on the hour the whole day through.

this one was taken about 15-25 minutes later.

3.19.2009

dress lust

i have never wanted a big poofy wedding dress. never ever. at least as an adult. perhaps some girlie incarnation of me wanted one in my pre-teen years. but recently: 100% nuh uh.

until.........

i started passing luly yang on a regular basis either on my way home via the bus or on my walks to the downtown gym.

all throughout the christmas season i lusted over their crimson dresses with layers on layers of alizerine train. but now they have a new collection up and it's made me reconsider my outlook on wedding dresses entirely. not that i'm in any position to be thinking in that direction {or at that budget}, but i know my few lingered moments on the way past the shop has settled into my subconscious somewhere manifesting itself in a dream a few weekends ago about wearing one of these dresses.

mine was white with vibrantly red beading on the bodice, but definitely modeled after the pink one below.