part of the metamorphosis

one of my closest friends gave me these words today:


nat, you've returned to yourself. i hear it in your voice. you're there again.

and then i asked her how long it had been since me and i, this truest true part of me and the soft machine she animates, were last seen together in such harmony, and her reply was:

months. probably before europe.


and it's true, it has been months.

months.

but for the past three days, no matter how much or little sleep i have gotten, no matter what the pressures or stress of the day, i have woken up with a bit of sunshine pouring through me like a waterfall as i find each day charmed in its own way. and today, while out for two hours on a run along alki beach, i received more waves, more smiles and nods, more high fives {for the record, first high fives during a run ever} and thumbs up from strangers in those ten miles than i think i have ever received in over a year of running. it felt like i was in a mentos commercial or something. seriously. i was almost weirded out by it but my heart was too happy and full to do anything but radiate. except maybe in my mile-9-i-haven't-been-running-enough-lead-legs phase, but then that's when i looked up just in time to see the high five offerings coming my way. my heart was lifted again.

a few weeks ago a friend typed out these simple words to me on skype: are you happy? and in all that welled up in response to those three small words, i realized i have long felt alienated from the grounded sense of wellbeing i used to carry with me pretty much always, and even farther away from that extra bit of beauty and joy that goes along with happiness. but today, now, here, i would love to get that question again.

am i happy?

yes.

yes, i am.

what is it about the nature of happiness...that it came when i was least expecting it. maybe it's a mistake to expect happiness to be a product of the high moments of our lives, maybe it's more like movie music, invisible until a beautiful theme arises from nowhere and surrounds you unexpectedly. like love at first sight. maybe part of its charm is that it takes you by surprise. or maybe it's part of the metamorphosis. another clue that you're on the right path, even when that path is just a walk around the block on a lovely night.

episode 47 of the tobolowsky files.