i am free.

i had a dream that a mom at the hospital just up and left her baby. without a backwards glance she left this adorable, dark-haired and bright eyed perfect baby boy. but what's more is that he was left for me specifically. he was mine. mine even before i held him for the first time and mine even as i held him that first time panicking that i didn't have diapers, a car seat, clothing, ANYTHING prepared for him at all.

and yet there i was about to walk out and accept Responsibility for this gorgeous tiny thing.

i briefly thought of a few people that would want him more than me, who are just dying for a child of their own, but even as the thought entered my mind, the clarity that he was mine spoke firmly and without thinking about it again i gathered myself to make the commitment.

i was terrified, but i knew i would be alright, friends would chip in – surely i knew someone with a car seat they didn't need at the moment, clothing that their kids had outgrown. and as the dream ended, the little guy all swaddled and quiet in my arms, i was ready to accept the thing i am probably most terrified of: being a single mom, and an unexpected-out-of-no-where-entirely-unprepared one to boot.


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today was not an easy day.

it was a simple procedure for a simple problem, but it involved slicing into my lip to remove the cyst that appeared out of nowhere mid-february and set up a permanent residence despite all my best efforts to encourage it away.

so yes, it was simple and routine and small peas for the skin cancer specialist who did the honors and has most certainly seen far worse than anything he saw while cutting into me. but as much as i can try to put it into perspective, it felt awful, numbness and all. i think i would much rather have had the blinding light of the procedure room than the claustrophobic gauze shutting me out from the world. and despite the numbness, the body knows, the body smells, the body feels through the thick wall of local anesthetic. i was under assault, fists tightly gripping air, compressing it until it was nothing, face splattered by warmth i don't want to think about, nose filled with that acrid smell of my own flesh burning, my whole mouth tasting metallic as they cauterized the opening with a small electric current. it went so quickly, a couple of repeats of zoe's optimist but somehow seemed to take forever as well. the world a little looser on the other side. can't sit up for a long while. blood sugar off. need to drive but can't and i didn't think i would need help. who would i have asked for a mid-day ride anyway...

back at home – finally – after a busy evening mumbling words, gingerly eating and drinking what i can, apologetically explaining the weird lopsided lips and stoic face, and completely exhausted. swollen. needing a day off. needing a day off, for gods sake just needing a day off and not just one to catch up. not just one to do work or bills or cleaning. a day off. off. off.

today was not an easy day.

i am tired, empty, and alone and yet all my brain can think to say is:

i am free
i am free
i am free
i am free
i am free
i am free.