whenever i hit bottom the night always gives back a warm smile. last time it was on the flight to europe complete with shooting stars and aurora borealis. tonight it was a bright, half-moon lit run through discovery park, an airplane tracing a slow path across the sky leaving a glowing tail as long as my outstretched arm behind it. i took out my earbuds when i got to the water's edge. low tide. slow waves. quiet. alone. perfect.
it's on nights like these when i realize how much clutters the space between me and the moon. on the back roads of the park where no streetlamps dare to go, the space between us cleared and i could feel her above me, gracing me with sharp shadows and a gentle wash of tenderness my spirit was needing.
these past few days have shown me a terrifying reality: my bones have been broken and never set straight. and suddenly, thankfully, i have the clarity to look back {in shame and frustration} at how i have forced others to provide me with a sense of safety and worth. sure, i've packaged it up in a tidy box, put a pretty ribbon on it and a tag called trust, but the truth i am finally able to articulate for myself is that just like with love, trust has to start with the self before it can be found with others.
it is one of my goals of this year to forgive the ex that cheated on me and cowardly refused to ever own up to it {and yes, i have proof}. yes, i would not date him were he to be the last person left, but no, i am not over the damage of that relationship because it was a repeat injury, a fear, a phobia i have been carrying around for years already. i did my best, but the limb is still crooked and has been for decades.
and these past few days i took each knotted angle, each half-healed fracture and i watched myself ruthlessly snap them in two.
needless to say, this was not an easy process. it was not clean and it certainly was not pretty. it also involved about three or so episodes that dredged up an emotional response so intense my body could not metabolize it. it was only today that i realized these were panic attacks -- something it is humbling for me to admit given how much i hold on to my self-image as one who is emotionally present, resilient and bold. but i guess this should be reassuring that i'm successfully striking to the root of the issue because the only other time i have experienced said temperature dropping/shaking episodes was when the relationship i am referring to was initially falling apart in this clouded and convoluted way: a result of the dishonesty and cowardice that prevented any clarity and closure. but just because i'm on the right track doesn't mean it's any more comfortable or comforting. i can only hope that i'll be stronger and whole on the other side and that how confidently i tread each painful, limping step forward at the worst is only a further sign that this is passing, this is fleeting and good things await which i will be able to walk just as confidently toward, if not quite so painfully.
and those good things....i know they will be built on the foundation i am laying, built on the idea that no one can give me enough reassurance to calm my fears and that i am the only one responsible for these fears and how they manifest in my life. i have to take ownership of how they wedge themselves into the space between myself and another person, getting in the way and muddying waters. i know my fears are based off of my untrue ideas {even if the emotions they illicit are true}: that i am not good enough, that there will always be another woman more interesting, more important, more smart/beautiful/insert whatever, than me.
but i am here. i am here. i am here. grateful for where and who i am, for my life as it is at the moment, providing me a bittersweet blend of safety and risk and the perfect surface on which to break these broken bones again. and it doesn't matter what some one has done or could do in a relationship with me. they can break their word, they can sleep around or not, my worth does not change, i am still me, complete and whole. their actions merely inform how i do or do not want them in my life.
so yes, i am here and i am hoping to finally set them straight. and hoping. always hoping.
.....................................................
the song that accompanied the run: myxamatosis (judge, jury & executioner) which i found nicely appropriate. radiohead of course {and i get to see them in a month and some spare change}.
the mongrel cat came home
holding half a head
proceeded to show it off
to all his newfound friends
he said "i been where i liked
i slept with who i like
she ate me up for breakfast
she screwed me in a vice
but now i don't know why i feel so tongue-tied"
i sat in the cupboard
and wrote it down neat
they were cheering and waving
cheering and waving
twitching and salivating like with myxomatosis
but it got edited, fucked up
strangled, beaten up
used in a photo in time magazine
buried in a burning black hole in devon
and i don't know why i feel so tongue-tied
don't know why i feel so skinned alive
my thoughts are misguided and a little naive
i twitch and i salivate like with myxomatosis
you should put me in a home or you should put me down
i got myxomatosis
i got myxomatosis
yeah, no one likes a smart-ass but we all like stars
but that wasn't my intention, i did it for a reason
it must have got mixed up
strangled, beaten up
i got myxomatosis
i got myxomatosis
i don't know why i feel so tongue-tied
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