obstacles & illusions

{to be read as part 2. to the thank{s}taking post on 11.25.2010}

my brother-in-law told me something a few years ago i've never forgotten:

if one person says you're an asshole, they're having a bad day.
if two people say you're an asshole, then you're having a bad day.
if three people say you're an asshole, maybe you're an asshole.

i'm not sure what it is about that lucky number three that makes something stand apart and forces the lesson to be learned, but it's always the third one that seems to drive a point in.

for me, this lesson came in the form of the third man to step up this fall, and not only acknowledge his attraction to me as a woman, but his deep appreciation of.......who.......i.......am : the vivid bits of emotional intensity and color that i have always assumed to be too much for men to get. too much for them to see, too much to enjoy and always and forever too much to appreciate. and yet, here they are. ducks in a row. loving/appreciating me in whatever way they can and i am grateful for that.



because...



because........








because for pretty much my whole life up until about a week ago {almost exactly} i convinced myself that even if i somehow managed to have a scrap of physical attractiveness borrowed from the fine feathers of the moment or perhaps flattering lighting or whatever else i can attribute beyond the inherent physical quality of my body, that even then, my overwhelming beingness of nathania would be too much for men. they would turn away before blinded or drowned {pick your metaphor as long as it's negative}.

and that's how i've walked forward in my life. step by self-negating step. and as much as my confidence has grown and i have even lived into wonderful moments of true feminine boldness, the fundamental belief i had for myself was always as above.

but the first stepped forward in october, the second in november, and now, a week ago, toeing the line of december, a third man moved toward me, however briefly, to whisper my worth to him into my ear, reminding me one last time of something i should have already learned long ago:

that men are capable of seeing the full dimensions of my beauty
&
that mine is a beauty that lasts.

so here i am. marveling at this new self-perspective that i wear quite well on some days, and fold-up and put back on the shelf on others. but it's slowly incorporating itself into my being and i can be patient in the meantime.

and now the other similarity between these men: despite their ability to look at the full brilliance of me and smile into the warmth of my sun, there are things getting between us. the first, the obstacle is himself, the second, one timezone, two mountain ranges & more than a few states, and the third, simply the product of a misalignment of time and space that whispers a faint chorus of what if. but here we are. apart. and that's okay.

because:

i have also discovered i can be more patient about this than ever before, because for the first time i don't feel the threat that the apartness is somehow linked to my worth {or lack thereof} but rather to what i believe to be a complex network of chance and fate. and one day, there will be a one man and no obstacles and we will be brilliant, each on our own, and together.




currently listening to: any other name -- thomas newman