2 am

i've seen a lot of them come and go since early november.
at first i was talking a lot to someone
staying up late to the smell of two spirits, crushing against each other,
but now it's just a bad habit egged on by addictive books and adrenals too worn out to tell what's up and down these days.

so now that i am not getting enough sleep, it's easier to ignore dishes, slough off the assignments i have to do for the artist's way or take myself out on an artist's day, write a few long over due entries on my blog, balance my checkbook, get my expenses in order for taxes. paint. read plays. that sort of thing.

if i'm being harsh, i could judge myself under the umbrella words of avoiding, laziness and self-sabotage, or i can be a little fair and pull out gentler words like resting and hibernating. i need a day off not filled to the brim with family or work. better yet, i need my old two in a row.

and rather than whining about it more, i'm just going to deliver a few random thoughts before turning off the lights and praying for no more bad dreams {said addictive novels involve some scary-ish creatures}:

i used to be envious of my good friend ljl {and she knew about it because she's awesome and i could tell her}. she is lovely and sexy and feminine and as we would stroll down the isles of fremont pcc, i watched in awe as the wine stockers, deli workers and cashiers all fell under her charms. fell?...hmm...melted, actually because you had to douse them with cold water to be able to scrape them up off the floor in one chunk. like a messy puddle of wax.

i wanted men to be attracted to me. i wanted to be charming. and now i'm finding that i have a modest percentage of her capacity. enough to get me in trouble. lose friendships, or at the very least misplace them for an indefinite amount of time. current casualty count since october? 3 or 4 {depending on how you count}.

i am cautious.

the sound of trains at night opens a channel between my heart and the pit of my stomach and somehow my heart always feels a little smaller even after the sound fades and the channel closes.

my body is taxed but unfit to my liking.

i need to be asleep by 11:30pm sharp for the next three months.

i need to refuse any offer of milk-bearing food for the next two months.

i am tired.

i am sore.

i am frustrated and equal parts hopeful.

i am sad you can't meet me for coffee. {i refer to the above 4, no matter which way you count}

but i get to look forward to meeting you for coffee and not making the same mistakes i've made before.

now i must sleep.