floating

i am avoiding. i am avoiding. i am avoiding. a void. ing. thinking. writing. feeling. making sense. yet all the while hoping to sort out some clarity about the tangle i am in.

tangle. tang. sweet yet tart. tasty. lovely.
mangle. destroy. malign. disfigure.
tang+mangle=tangle.

yep, still avoiding while i'm also being random. or dramatic. take your pick.

so, nathania, what is the dilemma you are avoiding?

the same old story: i do not trust.









men.



well, i do and i don't. but tonight, i have found a lot more don't than do. and it's not so much that i don't trust because i have been hurt {because i have been hurt by people i love and trust so much it hurts in that good, stretchy sort of way} but because i have been hurt by folks {thinking of two specifically} who try to make it my fault for even asking for what, only moments ago, was so freely offered. it's the venom of dishonesty and lash outs that replaced eloquence and invitation and delight. it's the 2nd face i'm afraid of and i can't come out again despite how politely i've just been asked.


so there.

i'm in hiding a little. i guess. and that's okay.

but thanks too for asking so sweetly. if only for pointing out this confusion where the head, the heart and then other, significant bits are pointing in three different directions.





just don't ask me about the other, significant bits. i know where you stand so i'm trying not to tease. honest.