and so {good night}, we go

it's been a good few days of being away and laughing so hard i cried and in fact, laughing so hard that for the first time i had to consciously think oh my goodness don't PEE! i clenched down, poured still more tears from my eyes and luckily managed to refrain from humiliating myself.
i wish ashland, oregon were closer to seattle, washington. i wish the laughter would ride out the storm with me.

i return today, alone for the next week and a half as az continues down to los angeles to visit his family. i arrived as sunset fanned a colorful tapestry behind the skyline, mountains and sound, but the apartment feelings achingly empty as surgery looms.

postponed from tuesday, ross' tumor will be removed tomorrow which means from about noon to latest five pm he will be at the mercy of surgeons and modern medicine. the eerie calm that has pervaded my consciousness since receiving the news last friday is accompanied by a undercurrent of foreboding.

dread strolled up today and parked himself at my shoulder. sporting a black top hat, tails, a waxed mustache he's obviously a bit vain about and a cat who got the canary smile, he's gentle but persistent in whispering his pessimistic predictions. i've had to shoo him off several times, reminding myself again and again that these are merely understandable fears and really, that this is all out of our hands anyway but he keeps on coming back.

there are also my unreassuring dreams last night, manifesting themselves as a result of how much i've been processing since friday. there were two dreams. the first: i was back in the south and a hurricane was coming. well on its way already, i had decided to weather the storem and was surveying the breadth of my belongings, my most precious things {books and boxes and letters} and unable to see how they could possibly be saved. then my best friend {somewhat randomly} shows up and lays claim to a set of hat boxes that i own. confused, i look at them closely and realize they are not the ones i had assumed them to be. another layer of uncertainty is added to the fate of my beloved things: their fate and even ownership are both in question. the second dream was brief. i had a plane ticket down to los angeles and needed to switch it san diego where ross is currently. i was preparing to call the airline knowing full well that my situation would justify a free and hassle-free change.

in waking life neither are particularly reassuring. quite the contrary, the give my new acquaintance, mr. dread, the opening he's looking for to return from each progressive shooing once my back is turned.

so that's it. my vent of worry for the evening. things will be much clearer tomorrow and i'll make sure to post as i am able.

thank you everyone who has reached out in the past couple of days to tell me they are thinking of the family and particularly the lumbering fuzzy bear of a little brother who just happened to wake up a week and a half ago with a killer headache.

.......................................................................................

and so, good night.
we go over the top tomorrow.

.......................................................................................

rilla of ingleside
l.m. montgomery