housekeeping as a tall girl

i wanted to give this tiny part of housekeeping its own space
to acknowledge the surprise and recognition that coursed through me when i first read, and then promptly underlined, these two lines around one theme.

i have yet to find anyone who could articulate so precisely what i have felt growing up as a tall girl. robinson's understanding of the tall girl predicament was packaged up in just two little sentences almost hidden amongst the sweeping imagery that made up her story.

my posture was intended not so much to conceal as to acknowledge and apologize for my increasingly excessive height.

even though most, though not all of my tall girl slouch has straightened itself out, i still have enough conveniently bad posture to reduce my height, looks, and grace by about two notches. and even as i become mindful of my posture and try to stand tall {as so many lovely people in my life encourage me to do}, i constantly get in the way of myself and quickly reduce it down again.

'my, you both look nice!' sylvie said as we passed, but, as i always did when attention was drawn to my appearance, i felt very tall.

yes, the pity compliment, i tell myself, because how could my life's equivalent to this compliment be true in the face of my height and breadth? because, insult to injury: not only am i six foot, but i am not the slim-boned six foot that would be at home on a runway, or described as willowy. my medium-boned structure gives me some optimism {as i could be the dreaded 'big boned'}, but only on good days.

and the final crux, that has been nagging at me for the past six and a half months is:

i really notice {and worse: judge} my height around my lover. i feel the distance my eyes and shoulders stand above his as feet, even though they are {only!} inches. and while comparative sizes are easier to ignore lying down, the noise my mind makes when we're standing next to each other, or my thigh runs parallel to his is starting to quiet down, but only because i'm getting used to the shock of her words and not because she's run out of mean things to say.

in turn, i have found i hate the hate i have for my height and move towards self-reconciliation at what too often feels like a glacial pace.