grey

i have always found it interesting that as a person and artist so moved and motivated by color, that my first memory is of the color grey. but it wasn't a flat grey, not a simple, solitary grey, but a barrel of greys. a curve. a monochromatic color scheme.

my first memory is of the inside of a wave that pulled me into the atlantic ocean.

it was the summer we traveled north to visit my aunt elisabeth in new york. i was one and a half. i don't remember who pulled me out, either my mom or my aunt, but my next memory is of sitting between the two of them high up on the beach watching my siblings by the water. i don't recall any emotional response on my part, just this awareness of how hugely relieved my mother was.

this was also the trip my brother remembers that the older siblings (himself included) started picking on me. the youngest of four, somehow the three year gap between the middle child and me was unspannable for decades. i find some feeling of synchronicity in the fact that my memory began at the same time the sibling antagonism did. my feelings of being both apart of this sibling entity as well as these sometimes violent boundaries within it are a constant texture to my childhood. unavoidable and highly influential, much like my relationship to color.



i feel like i want to take these thoughts further, but i can't seem to feel out where the next step is leading me. maybe i'm still catching up from only getting four hours of sleep before i left. and i have to wake up early tomorrow for a morning hike to emerald lake with my aunt and uncle. we're hoping to beat the weekend crowd on the trails. pictures coming.



currently listening to: the tic of the clock on my aunt's music stand and cars on the road, no wind tonight, sadly.