an almost november sun

the countdown has ended

raelyn {okay, not raeyln, but laura}, your curiosity can be satisfied. here is what was in the box. a polaroid pogo printer.
thanks lovely cuz o' mine i can't wait to take it for a spin tomorrow.

but this wasn't all i received today. i got a sunshine in the inbox:



and a birthday song and video so sweet and gentle i still have a smile on my face.

and dinner at my favorite restaurant right now: umi.
and a stack of books from my favorite thrift store haunt: a thousand splendid suns, amy & isabelle, the curious incident of the dog in the night, divisadero, mrs. dalloway, a northern light, me talk pretty one day, and the world of christopher robin.
then we ate vegan german chocolate cake and that was good too.

and birthday phone calls.
and countless birthday wishes.

a great start on my own personal new year.

hiccups, heartaches & terry-cloth towels

tough week.
storm's just begun.
no time for myself
and the next big project is only just starting.

trying to stay present in now...now.....now........and now....which is tough for more than six seconds at a time.
and really just feeling not ready to turn 27.
i thought i would be so much farther
by now--wait, stay in the present.
that's right.
i'm here.....here....here........{still} here.......right where i'm supposed to be.

but i still envy natalie portman
and pretty much every other young actress of her ilk
but it takes me a few seconds longer before the burst
of heat and feeling of worthlessness
and the burns aren't as bad as they were.


maybe where i am this moment is farther than i think it is.


i hate that it all matters as i add up the nickles and pennies of growth i've fought so hard for these past {nearly three} decades when all i really want to be able to do is to throw in the towel and end this personal war between where i want to be and where i actually am.

i don't think i am capable, though, so the compromise is to give myself until april to finish the vets project and the wccw project {helping make art with veterans and prisoners respectively} and settle into a new home and new job.

april, nathania. april.

the countdown has begun

10 days till my birthday and uncharacteristically everything seems to be arriving early.

aside from the boots purchased for me last week this is the first to arrive.

tangent: i really should post a picture of the boots because they are lightyears beyond the realm of fantastic. a gift from the boot gods long after i gave up on ever finding a sexy pair of flat boots--as in nothing remotely resembling a riding boot)

i'm going to be good and wait until the 26th to cut open the oh-so-temping rainbow-colored tape announcing something from the polaroid family.

ooooh, the mystery!

adieu

and so my friends, the time has come to say goodbye for a little while.
10:15am is going on a temporary hiatus while we/they redevelop the site and unveil a newer, spiffier ten15am.com.

today the loyal contributors who have slowly gathered daily to document their life at 10:15am put one final image in for the year at 10:15 on 10/15. one of the creators asked that we photograph ourselves today.

here is my video contribution:

and i already feel a little/LOT sad about this parting.

a fall night.

the books

in the days that i have the apartment to myself, i'm taking over the floors, couches, walkways and pretty much any free space imaginable with the spreading out and organizing of my books. though each time i unpack i promise never to mix different colors in each box, but without fail, i find that in the interest of efficiency while packing i always seem to break that promise. a random red spine will find its way into a box of whites or a family of blues will stow away in a box of oranges.

it's quite complicated. but at the same time there is no part of the process i don't enjoy. it's like visiting hour and christmas all wrapped into one as i am surprised by the contents of this box or that and always happy to see new or old friends alike. books i first read decades ago carry the weight of many reads and clamor about with their underlined words and dogeared pages and history they share with me.

i first read that one in the ballard house. my cousin sent it to me in a care package....i finished it in a bath with candles.

mmmm...middle school david edding's fantasy kick. the kids used to bug/tease me because i would laugh out loud during reading hour. they always wanted to know what was so funny.

my lovely masking-taped dr. seuss.

anais nin. i need to read her.

etc. etc.

i'll post pictures of the final project. i always seem to.

compline

i start a new job tomorrow. finally i'm a photographer by trade and not just in some part of my spirit. it's not an end point, but rather a starting point in the long road to supporting myself entirely through my creativity.

really, it's a beginning.

tonight i almost didn't make it out with a friend to st. mark's sunday compline. i had all these excuses about being tired and needing to prepare or unpack my books or whatever, but i'm glad they didn't end up getting in the way. i'm glad i went.
because if there's anything i need more in life, it's spending thirty minutes listening to amazing music in a cathedral with a room full of silent participants and devoting myself to not thinking. and even not congratulating myself for not thinking so successfully for 4.5 seconds, 5.2 seconds, 6.1 seconds, oh crap, i'm thinking again. return to beginning.

as we were driving home, he brought up a topic rolling around in his head through the service which is external versus internal destiny and how much we are subject to the myths we create for ourselves. so sharing compline stretched into sharing tea until way past my bedtime because i had lots and lots to say about all the destiny and personal myth tangents my mind had traveled along during the same thirty minutes when it wasn't supposed to be thinking.

it's late. after midnight. and some enthusiastic folk are singing happy birthday to someone and i need to get sleep for tomorrow so i'll summarize my thoughts on my destiny in a sentence:

i believe that i am heading in a very particular direction but that i will only arrive there when i am ready, which will probably be the point at which i let go of the destiny, the dream, and everything else attached.

this letting go is very hard for me. almost as much as not thinking.

okay, at least i know where my work is cut out for me.

sunsets a la the new apartment

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here are images out my living room window from the past month or so of living here.
bon apetit!

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post-op

he made it, thank god.

i think that my biggest fear was that some freak accident would happen during the surgery and he would die. but no, we're on the other side and while tests are inconclusive, it was definitely malignant, which means radiation the high possibility of it coming back. his vision loss in his peripheral vision is assumed to be permanent but he and we can live with that.

so today, we have a victory, and that's all i can really think or care about.

thanks for following this thread and thanks for all the wonderful support from everyone.
each two-line message i got throughout the operation day {thursday} lifted me up and kept me going.

and so {good night}, we go

it's been a good few days of being away and laughing so hard i cried and in fact, laughing so hard that for the first time i had to consciously think oh my goodness don't PEE! i clenched down, poured still more tears from my eyes and luckily managed to refrain from humiliating myself.
i wish ashland, oregon were closer to seattle, washington. i wish the laughter would ride out the storm with me.

i return today, alone for the next week and a half as az continues down to los angeles to visit his family. i arrived as sunset fanned a colorful tapestry behind the skyline, mountains and sound, but the apartment feelings achingly empty as surgery looms.

postponed from tuesday, ross' tumor will be removed tomorrow which means from about noon to latest five pm he will be at the mercy of surgeons and modern medicine. the eerie calm that has pervaded my consciousness since receiving the news last friday is accompanied by a undercurrent of foreboding.

dread strolled up today and parked himself at my shoulder. sporting a black top hat, tails, a waxed mustache he's obviously a bit vain about and a cat who got the canary smile, he's gentle but persistent in whispering his pessimistic predictions. i've had to shoo him off several times, reminding myself again and again that these are merely understandable fears and really, that this is all out of our hands anyway but he keeps on coming back.

there are also my unreassuring dreams last night, manifesting themselves as a result of how much i've been processing since friday. there were two dreams. the first: i was back in the south and a hurricane was coming. well on its way already, i had decided to weather the storem and was surveying the breadth of my belongings, my most precious things {books and boxes and letters} and unable to see how they could possibly be saved. then my best friend {somewhat randomly} shows up and lays claim to a set of hat boxes that i own. confused, i look at them closely and realize they are not the ones i had assumed them to be. another layer of uncertainty is added to the fate of my beloved things: their fate and even ownership are both in question. the second dream was brief. i had a plane ticket down to los angeles and needed to switch it san diego where ross is currently. i was preparing to call the airline knowing full well that my situation would justify a free and hassle-free change.

in waking life neither are particularly reassuring. quite the contrary, the give my new acquaintance, mr. dread, the opening he's looking for to return from each progressive shooing once my back is turned.

so that's it. my vent of worry for the evening. things will be much clearer tomorrow and i'll make sure to post as i am able.

thank you everyone who has reached out in the past couple of days to tell me they are thinking of the family and particularly the lumbering fuzzy bear of a little brother who just happened to wake up a week and a half ago with a killer headache.

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and so, good night.
we go over the top tomorrow.

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rilla of ingleside
l.m. montgomery

update

he goes under the knife on tuesday.
the doctors are very reassuring
and the military, surprisingly, helpful.


and all i could think about last night was how i was so hard on him for getting married so quickly.

7x2

centimeters.
it's a pretty small distance,
right?
until it's a tumor in my little brother's skull.

yes, you read that right.

i'm not freaking out just yet.
it could end up being benign.
but whatever the end result, my little brother has had one hell of a six month stretch.

come home from iraq
then less than 24 hours later he's in a car accident involving a drunk ped stepping in front of his car.
ped was killed on impact.

i'm left with the feeling he's still got a lot to process from that
more than the fact that can't stand the smell of wet dog.
it's too much like grey matter splattered across his body.

then about a month and a half later he's married to a girl he met a month prior.
the question of right or wrong or too fast or whatever is laid to rest but one can't deny that's another dimension of intensity.

now, a few days after his 22nd birthday, the kid is in the hospital with a brain tumor.

seriously?
{i guess}
i'm still in denial.

i may not have domes

but the new apartments has sheers and air circulation {the latter of which shouldn't be underestimated if this whole global warming thing means that this summer's temperatures are going to be the norm}. the first few mornings, when it wasn't too cold to leave the windows open all night, i woke up to this quiet play of curtains and wind which i reconstructed this morning for the purposes of 10:15am.

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from a few weeks ago:

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