radiohead – seattle – 04.09.12

{photo taken by eden smith}

in response to closure

a comment and response worth its own space {but reading the post below will put this into a little perspective first}:

from e:

Oh Nat, yes. I'm not sure if I can forgive him yet for being so cruel. Maybe when the real thing comes along, one who is not so hollow, one who is so wonderfully human and imperfect at that, but willing to share those pieces with you (instead of drive them between the two of you).

Maybe then. But this isn't my blog, its yours. And I'm sooo glad this closure has come.

my response:

ede, my lovely ede, my champion and best friend. thank you for that one word in your response: cruel. it scoops up all his actions and pins them neatly into one clean syllable. somehow i find it satisfying to have someone else find him "cruel" as well, in a way i can't explain. i guess because there are still a few dying echoes of my own belief i somehow deserved how he treated me.

i wish i could say i wouldn't be upset if i saw him in person tomorrow, or even, perhaps a year from now. but hopefully the other side of my own wedding {to that far worthier person i haven't met yet}, along with our own adventures and first kids will let me no longer worry about how some man once dropped me like a hot potato. but honestly, at this moment, i do have the last dredges of hurt. the part of me that still wishes for him to come to me with that apology he knows deep down he still owes me.

but all of this is really so small in comparison to having my own faith in myself restored. faith in my ability to make sense of people and emotions. i'm not a genius at it, but i do have a sense about things and an intuition i have come to trust. and that is what he destroyed. by doing one thing, yet always saying he was motivated by another, he completely shattered my ability to make heads or tails of what happened and shook the trust i had in my intuition. and now the picture makes sense, and my inner senses and i are fully reunited and forgiveness is no longer an issue so much.

bigger things are happening.

bruises

i fell in slow motion today.
the distance between where i wanted to land
and where i ended up landing
stretched out ........................... i........ n ...........d ...... e . . f ....... i ......... n ....... i...... t .......e........ l ........y
as my body floated downward
carried forward by the weight of the television i carried in my arms

until it hit the wall and i hit the ground.


i had to sit on the floor for a few moments in amazement and shock, staring at my ring that so recently adorned my right pinky and now was sitting in a pile of crumbling plaster that had also until recently been living peacefully on the surface of the wall. then we scooted quickly on in to eden's new apartment before anyone figured out i put that new gouge in the wall.

i immediately hit the ground again, with her this time, laughing, all the while nonchalantly surveying the damage to my knees and ankles and listening to her in disbelief as she said

well of course, you even fall gracefully.

hmm...that even weighs a few pounds.
i guess i did feel a bit graceful as i smoothly glided for the 15 seconds (perceived time) that i spent traveling the one and a half/two seconds (actual time) between the tricky step and the floor, but i don't feel graceful most days.

just big and flailing.

more thinking on the difference between perceived truths and objective truths when it comes to self-image. all this personal growth since high school and yet the gap still seems to be lingering.

meisner - 2.8 (version two)

this is from the gchat dialogue between one of my closest friends and myself about last night's class. a slightly more frank take on the night. hope it's not too repetitive.


eden: start the story over will you? i'm all sorts of confused...just want to understand

me: okay,
so, firstly, i came into the room and very intently lit a whole bunch of candles while sitting on the couch after turning on my music.
i was adamant all candles should be burning and it took a long time to get them all lit.
it helped ground me into the space.
then i walked over the to the table, grabbed my things from the "closet" and then took off my coat, sweatshirt and then lifted my shirt over my head.

eden: (thanks for really telling the story)

me: it kind of got stuck on my hair which was pinned up.
oh, and i had put make up on before leaving, so my face looked really put together. people noticed.

eden: :)

me: then, i just dove into the activity.
but really quickly my scene mate who was also my brother knocked on the door. i had my shirt off so i wasn't inclined to let him in.
i opened the door (with a robe on). we spoke. i shut it on him again, etc.
he knocked again. i said fine, deal with it (as in, you're my brother and i'm undressed).
or partially undressed.
at one point he said: you're making me uncomfortable and i yelled at him "you were the one that demanded to be let in" but then i realized my anger was a response to feeling embarrassed as a response to his discomfort, so i said: "you're making me self conscious"

eden: ahhhh

me: which was the deeper truth of that moment.
and more vulnerable than the anger.
so it was good that i could go there.

eden: (yes)

me: at the end of writing the name, i realized i couldn't see around my boob (to finish the word), so i had this moment of: i don't really want people to SEE me move it out of the way to write the letters, but then i realized i would do that if i were alone in the room so i pushed my boob into my body so i could see around it.

eden: (big smile)

me: then, i drew the arrow down.
there were snickers from the crowd
but i knew the punchline was coming: "hell no"

Eden: yes you did

me: it was really great. the only comment i got from the men was from jesse who jokingly complained that all he could see was the column that was blocking his view.

eden: THAT'S amazing

me: yeah, huh.
only jesse could have gotten away with that.
there were also lots of jokes about me insisting on putting on a shirt before hugging bill for our post-scene contact.

eden: thats good nat.
and I said, that's amazing in the sense of I know that jesse could get away with it

me: yeah. it was. jesse said he imagined it, and i quipped something about making me bigger and he said: "i kept you small" and i said: "geeze, THANKS! tell me what you really think about my breast size"

eden: just curious, how did you perceive the women to respond as you were doing it

me: and he defended himself: NOT TINY! just not any bigger than they are.
uhm....i wasn't aware of nor worried about the women during the piece.

eden: gotcha

me: and afterwards, unyoung came up and said: that was really fun to watch. and i felt a kinship and appreciation. and she wanted to smell my purfume i had brought but never got a chance to put on.

eden: that's great

me: and jenn came up later (she was maggie in the play) and said: that was so much fun. i wanted to see you actually do the strip tease. and i said: ME TOO! i wanted to give him the biggest f***ing erection ever and then walk away.
it was funny how much i got into that.

eden: yeah

me: so, back to robin's feedback. she asked me what it was about. i told the story and talked about the specifics, a few of them, like the boots with heels he wanted me to own, etc, etc and how he would see these things for the first time right before i said: you can't have them.
and she laughed and said: "in a very memorable way. he won't ever forget this no."
someone from the audience: yeah, don't cross nathania.
a scattering of laughter.
then robin said; i hesitate to even say this, but this is the point more clothes start coming off in class.

eden: gotcha

me: and i took that as some sort of excuse. like she needed to tell the other students: watch out, some of your classmates are going to go off the deepend. when really, she was saying: we are getting into more daring territory here

eden: mm, not how I took it

me: i know, but sooooooooo much how i took it.

eden: yes, we are getting deeper in, the next levelof meisner of course

me: and the next level of vulnerability.

eden: yes

me: so.

eden: so

me: did i satisfy your curiosity fully?

eden: lol yes definitely


currently listening to: a sunday smile - beirut

turning over the year

it was a quiet night at home. just the way i wanted.

a few spacious hours to clean and shower (though the calm was violently interrupted by the fire alarm that suddenly, after a month of living in my new place, decided to wake the dead because steam -oh dear god, NOT STEAM! - was in my apartment). next, i puttered over to the kitchen to cook before two close friends came over.

a night of home made food. fresh (albeit slightly imperfect) cupcakes. pear cider. laughter. and honest communication of many forms.

it was a quiet night at home. and it held far more then i ever could have imagined.

i am grateful.

happy new year.

clothes.

it's hard to get rid of them. even the low self-esteem outfits. even the pieces you know you hate and have been cautiously avoiding for months {years?!}.

the jury is out on a few things that might come in handy at some point. if i just had the guts i would kick them out. but for some reason there is this doubt that new and better clothes will come in and fill the spaces. which is a load of hogwash. of course they will. of course they will.

thrift store shopping anyone?

and it's nice to see those iconic pieces that still look good. that still fit. and that will stay for another round.



currently listening to: eden's helpful and well timed bits of dis/encouragement.

yes.

from eat pray love, elizabeth gilbert

"groceries," richard says, "listen to me. someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. you'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it--in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. take this time, every minute of it. let things work themselves out..."
"but i really loved him."
"big deal. so you fell in love with someone. don't you see what happened? this guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, i mean you got zapped, kiddo. but that love you felt, that's just the beginning. you just got a taste of love. that's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that...
"people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. a true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake...soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. and thank god for it. your problem is, you just can't let this one go. it's over, groceries. david's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life...that was his job and he did great but now it's over. problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. you're like a dog at the dump, baby--you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. and if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. so drop it."
"but i love him."
"so love him."
"but i miss him."
"so miss him...you're just afraid to let go of the last bits of david because then you'll really be alone, and you are scared to death of what will happen if you are really alone. but here's what you gotta understand, groceries. if you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now...you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot--a doorway. and guess what the universe will do with that doorway? it will rush in...and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. stop using david to block the door. let it go."
"but i wish me and david could--"
he cuts me off. "see, now that's you're problem. you're wishin' too much, baby. you gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone outta be."
this line gives me the first laugh of the day.
then i ask richard, "so how long will it be before all this grieving passes?"
"you want an exact date?"
"yes."
"something' you can circle on your calendar?"
"yes."
"lemme tell you something, groceries--you got some serious control issues."

evidently richard is from texas. eden nailed the twang. it was a masterful reading.


currently listening to: cold war kids while eden makes me a cake

meisner - day 8 {wolf in the house}

this was the first time i couldn't write about the class afterwards. i wrote an email to a friend in order to come down from the experience then went to bed. here is a communicator conversation from this morning:


katharine: how was acting?
me: uhmm....yeah. let's just say i hit a well of grief and fury.
not even anger.
it was way passed anger.
and.
she wouldn't let me go until i let it out
and it was huge.
and brilliant.
and scary.
and i wanted to demolish the class.
every.
single.
one.
of.
them.
katharine: ...!!!???......wow
me: and after i finished, jesse went, was done quickly, and then came over and sat holding me.
for as long as i needed.
katharine: oh nat
me: i know.
and it was funny because him coming over to me was 1. exactly what i needed and 2. brought up this second, smaller wave of grief. of my disbelief that i deserve to be cared for and taken care of by a man.
katharine: yes
me: the exercise is pretty simple. you walk back and forth across the room and just try to walk "normal"a lumpy unconcscious walk as you go to the bathroom in the morning
and after you've found that place, she lets you focus on one aspect, one thing that's happening in that walk and to live into that.
like maybe the extra swing in your right hip, the forward sway of your shoulder, the roll of your head, something.
and make it bigger.
and live into that motion with the whole body.
and let it surprise you.
katharine: .....
me: but for me, i was walking "normal" for quite a while and i think it's because i didn't hear her cue to start taking on the movement, so i felt like i was doing it wrong and she thought i just couldn't find anything.
but i didn't want to break out of the excercise to ask, so i just kept walking, and she had me looking at the class which brought up soooo much for me in terms of being watched, or whatever.
it was huge. and as i finally did go into the movement, i had so much rage from them watching, but i kind of let it die. i saw on the map that there be dragons and i turned around and went to safer waters.
but i think/know she saw that.
and so she kept me there.
and kept me there.
and it changed and i became tired.
and it changed again and again and suddenly the rage was there and each time i turned and headed back to the class, i seriously just wanted to hurt them.
so i put that in my movements.
every ounce of it.
because they were watching me in my ugliness.
in my mistakes.
katharine: (my breathing is quickening)
me: eden. i can't even begin to tell you how big this was.
i felt beat up all night.
my body feels so worn today.
my lower back is really sore today.
i wonder if that's where the grief and rage hides.
katharine: hmmm
me: and later, when we talked about the exercise, three people at different times called out the experience of watching me go through that. jesse said it was by far the most compelling for him to watch.
another woman (the one of the you are annoying and hysterical laughter) commented on it as well
katharine: yes
me: and each time it was named, robin turned and looked at me. and didn't just look at me, she held my gaze for seconds. each time.
it was a beautiful acknowledgement of a success, because she so rarely does that. it was like george's smile that says "go back and make sure you realize all the glory of that moment/s"
katharine: go back
go back
yes
wow. nat.
nat.
me: yeah. ede. yeah. it's so there.
i have this thing in me, both as an actor and as a person living/needing to grieve and be angry.
and how the two have such a beautiful symbiotic relationship
and they will dance together for the rest of my journey.
katharine: ......
me: and, the fact that i didn't check it after i was "done"
katharine: check it, as in, close it up
me: (yes) i wanted to crumple up into a ball, but she made me stand up, get some water, and i stood there in the aftermath and then sat and then allowed jesse to come and open another space in me. a softer one.
and accept it with tenderness to myself and him.
katharine: hm
me: i have had so much hard rejection of any attentions (male) towards me lately...
it's so hard to accept. i'm overwhelmed by self rejection every time.
every. time.
and so i'm always going in two directions at once...yes please, and fuck you, you are mocking me.
katharine: but it doesn't really matter....right now. you experience
me: yes, no, i get what you are saying, and i've been fighting the experience i have been having. here be dragons and i tuck tail and run in the opposite direction and in the meantime throw a harpoon in the general direction of the offender.
i remember the first time i felt this much rage. it was in a counseling session when i was in new york. and after i went off and really really got angry, at the end, in the silence, she said, "this is what you want to give your audience"
and i didn't believe i would be able to find that again, or be generous enough to give it really. but there it is....how many years later?
katharine: generous.........!!.......
how lovely a word to put there
me: yes.
katharine: yes

12v.520.autumnal.winds.

i spent $15 on a power adapter today for the keyboard i'm borrowing from eden. sheer bliss. and possibility and probability and potential energy. i want to relearn moonlight sonata. i want to learn radiohead songs. i want the music to come from me. i want to be open and flowing. i want to be simultaneously calm and tumultuous like the water on lake washington today.

north side of the bridge: quiet, glassy surface.
south side of the bridge: looks like a tropical storm is brewing. white caps. rolling waves.

makes me think of the painting i need to finish. a simultaneous dream jai and i had. well, each a different one about the other, but at the exact same time. this painting merges the two. and i haven't finished it yet. but in many ways the scene it portrayed was one i saw today with the two sides of the bridge having the complete opposite surface conditions. it was even the correct sides of the bridge.



makes me want to finish the piece as well as the song that was a companion to the painting. sneaker waves. maybe that will be my artist date this week. that or organizing my art room. reorganizing. adding in an arm chair (which i haven't found just yet) so i can host people.

driving back was lonely. should've taken jesse home. had questions i wanted to ask and space i needed help filling.

currently listening to: cymbal rush - thom yorke.

she's come undone

i've never read the book but eden described the vigil scene with the whale carcass. came to mind when i saw the below.

something strange, something strange, has come undone in me.

photo credit: fred tanneau - getty images
lyrics: she's come undone - eden smith {http://edensmithmusic.com/}

in limbo

i'm stuck. i can't go to bed, because i had so many things i should have done rather than chasing down a replacement iphone and then having problems restoring all of my old iphone's settings. i'm listless. zero numbers in my phone. well, actually, one. eden's. and i'm feeling a little ungrounded.

i need to sleep. my phone will or won't sort itself out and i have to be on my cookies* tomorrow for class.

and then there are so many things i want to sit down and blog about: radiohead, my delicious run tonight {and bumping into sheree}, my five minute writing prompt from the first class that cuts into huge themes for me, the impressionist exhibit i saw this weekend, sitting on a stool across from a new friend i have so much softness for, the day of smothering myself in shame i had, the thing that kept on stopping me on my run, my mind keeps going.

pumpkin hour. more on wednesday because tomorrow is a meisner day. yay.




*director george-ism.

fall (cleaning) & inventory

today was a day of transition. the play is done and we're all heading directly into the meisner progression to start nine months of intense self-reconstruction which will hopefully spit us out on the other side with better acting skills. despite getting to sleep around 3am, my eyes and mind opened wide at 8:30am and refused to shut down again. an energized start to a full day.

the day found me spending a good deal of time with old and new friends alike - two, in particular, who i have always experienced a special connection when the three of us are together. the last year of our lives, though completely apart from this trinity, have been so parallel it's almost scary. really. juxtapositions. convergence. synchronicity. and heart. all three of us. and today for the first time in over a year, we all happened on the same coffee shop at the same time. after several hours of leisurely catch up and nectarines, i spent the rest of the day with eden, recapping on the previous evening's performance and making up for a week of dense living but incompatible schedules.

there was one completely unexpected moment of the day: it's a part of a longer story that is not mine to tell, but one of my newer friends sat in his grief with me and i found the beginnings of redemption for jaimini. i think it was watching this man, mostly without words, in this indescribable place that evoked so much humanity and resonance it spilled over into the spaces that jaimini occupies in me. there is a softness i have for this man that i suddenly find myself willing to give to jai for the first time since things dissolved for us. not that am filled with forgiveness or would be unmoved were i to see him on the street tomorrow, but it's a beginning to the final stages of recovery.

after a long afternoon nap, i mirrored this process of review/reconnect in my physical space by a thorough house cleaning and reorganization of the top floor. i even pulled out all of the bookbinding paper underneath my bed to exterminate the rabbit warrens of dust bunnies. this task served a dual purpose of also letting me go through all of my paper and start mulling over what my next journal will look like. i've carried my current journal for four years and still have three of the ten signatures (sections) left, but somehow, i feel like they are going to move quickly so i want to be prepared with its replacement. i wish i could have had the time to completely reorganize my two art closets (and, hey, clothing closet too), but the day has ended and it's pumpkin hour so i'm off to bed.

on the topic of my bed, i changed the sheets to flannel and the duvet cover back to red. and tomorrow, hopefully, or friday at the latest, the streaks in my hair will be back to emerald green.

redefine and reinvent.

fall and change, here i come.





currently listening to: radiohead on shuffle, though to wind down, i put super collider on repeat.

i can't hear thom

this is a rarity:

i can't play radiohead right now. three shows in a week and a half and i'm raw. not saturated, just too close. and yet not close enough. the last one in santa barbara was an adventure from start to finish. made it into the after party. really. the band was there. i even had an opening to say my one sentence to thom yorke, but i let him and the opportunity walk right past. i see how i am getting better and better at stepping forward, speaking my truth clearly and asking for the things i want, but i still can't do this for those few things i want above all others. the ones where the stakes are high and i have a lot invested. i am still standing back on the sidelines where it's safe. of course the irony is that the times when i have stepped up and forward, i've always gotten what i've asked for and the success is accompanied by a wonderful sense of ease and flow.

i hope it's not presumptuous of me to say it here, but i find that the song rolling around in my head is one written for me by the dearest of the dears. it names this space of fearful/frozen safety. though the event below was slightly different, i've ended up with a similar feeling of something slipping between my fingers.

i can't wait till this song is recorded. the melody is so beautifully haunting.



parking lot - eden smith

sitting in this parking lot,
keys in hand, something's lost,
staring out into the street
wondering what supposed to happen to me (now)

cuz i've got a lot on my mind
i've got a lot on my mind
i've got too much on my mind these days so i'll just stay put for now.

too scared to look beyond the steering wheel,
the sun is gone
back to where i started from
ten long hours ago i wrote this song.

oh my love,
i'm caught in this picture
flash of a moment
my my love
can't see any further
see any further
i don't want to move.

cuz i've got a lot on my mind
i've got a lot on my mind
i've got too much on my mind these days so i'll just stay put for now.


currently listening to: for emma, forever ago - bon iver

seattle and vancouver - 8.19 & 8.20

you and who's army - 2nd encore - dedicated to the people
in seattle during the wto protests.

either the gloaming or climbing up the walls
(photo - eden smith)

faust arp - this was before one of the two huge mistakes
thom made in singing this song. they took a break after the first mistake
and started plucking a neil young song. phil, the drummer ran out
and threw a dollar bill at thom as though they were street performers.

there was much laughter from thom and even shy jonny revealed

his enjoyment of this exchange. colin came out and immediately threw his arms

around thom in a bear hug when the rest of the band returned to the stage.
(photo - eden smith)

(photo - eden smith)

(photo - eden smith)

(photo - eden smith)

currently listening to: kid alive - radiohead