2014

2013 was a year that asked me, too many times to count, to fight for what i believed in. a year to prove to myself that i will never back down when i believe in something. a year to hold my hand while i faced some of the harder spaces of my adult life.

and 2013 was a year of victories. a year of promise. a year of patience. it was a fitting year to follow all the aching beauty of its own new year's day, 365 days ago.

but 2013 was also a fallow year. my writing dwindled. my posts here scattered in their regularity. i painted less, avoided the looming project of my short film a lot. found a million other things to do or distract and kept them as my constant companions all year long. not that i accomplished nothing, merely that my capacity for creativity and facing scary, vulnerable places was spent elsewhere in my life.

all too soon, 2014 is here and i welcomed it forward today with an adventure out to new spaces – a hike set both above the water {way above} as well as trailing along side the quietly lapping waves. it was a quiet day with a slow start and a meandering path. and it was a sweet day, too. peppered bacon bits in the eggs, gluten free raisin bread, bubbly water, and homemade guacamole. the ferry ride was a last minute decision made literally at the exit. the choice of parks on a whim from the road.

as i invest in my creativity this year, as i turn my capacity for fear and vulnerability back into my expressive life, expect to see some changes. more presence, more commitment to a vision. a revamp of the banner images {i already have a new dress picked out}. details, small and large.

i look forward to living and creating in 2014. and i look forward to sharing this year with you, in whatever direction in takes.

i was in love with the kexp programming tonight including the introduction to this song:

for the last time

sometimes the maze of hell and back can unfold without ever leaving your seat. 

sometimes it takes hours longer than you think your eyes and heart can hold out, peering through the darkness, to get to the oh so crucial and back again. 

and not sometimes, but always, you have to let the sun set before it can rise again on a new day–watch as it disappears beyond the horizon, pulling along with it all its colors and glory to wash away the past. 

this night is a dark one to burrow into, fall having taken a strong grip on the year. but a glint of silken silver, a stripe of african blue, are better than anything ariadne left behind.

snow globe

some nights should be held close in a snow globe, words swirling around gently like flakes, settling down after a while; clarity left visible in the stillness. we rest together in the peace and comfort of truths spoken out loud as the glass slowly fogs to opaque. the bottles empty. the cd changes. the words pick up again, shaking out our world with more truth, more flakes catching the flicker of the ferries passing by in the rain.

but the real victory is, for perhaps the very first time, the words not ready to be spoken, truths not ripe to be understood, rest patiently in the spaces between the now still snowflakes. they are comfortable knowing that one day they too will be tossed into the air and allowed to give voice to the life already lived out between us.

one day. not today.

until then, some nights, we should hold each other close inside a snow globe, care swirling around gently like flakes, settling down after a while; love left visible in the stillness.

radiohead – seattle – 04.09.12

{photo taken by eden smith}

sparklers!

the night before leaving for two radiohead shows in the midwest and visiting with a slew of wonderful people from my past, i took a little trip out beneath the full moon with two friends and a handful of sparklers. the perfect celebration before a week of amazingness {more on radiohead soon} and kicking off the final week of my nomadic life.

any photos depicting me in them {and probably one or two of his sister, christina} were taken by scott.

#3

a week after driving around in the car with music friends #12 & #13, it felt right to be following some of the exact same roads touring one of my first music friends through my city. kerry park. alki beach. golden gardens...

chris, #3, whom i first met traveling from los angeles to santa barbara to see radiohead finish off the american leg of their '08 tour. at the time i refrained from telling my mom i was getting into a car with two strange men and later driving back to los angeles with a third until after i was home safely, but obviously my gut speaks true, and here we are, three years later, meeting up again in another city {for the second time} and planning the east coast leg of radiohead's next tour.

it was a good night. played through kid a live, singing along quietly {despite my recent voice lesson break throughs, very few people actually hear me sing in person, particularly to a thom yorke song}, listening in silence, stopping and freezing our butts off for photos, and meandering through stories more personal than we have shared in the past.

it was a good night. one of the last bits of carefree time between now and the opening of the show.


-----------------------

pale blue eyes played while we were at lunch together at elysian brewery. i often forget i have blue eyes, or that they affect others.

pry it open

starting now.

an old friend

the film festival {in full color}

the seattle international film festival.

it wrapped up last week in a tidy bundle of bitter and sweet all pretty with a bow. as much as it was painful at moments working a full time job, interning long hours and of course seeing as many movies as i could possibly manage comfortably while also trying to sleep and get the odd run in here or there, every year it's more than worth it. even when the burn of not enough sleep kicks in and my body suffers a bit under the delectable burden of late night meals and way too much chocolate, i'm in the thick of the most interesting things happening in seattle and i cannot complain.

before i dive into an overly detailed account of the festival {which i double dog dare you to read all the way through}, i just want to say how much i felt a part of the SIFF family this year. coming back for my third year, making it to more of the parties {ones that i wasn't working through} and finding i actually enjoy them {a lot} i realized how much i appreciate in a deep way the community built up around film. there is no boring small talk there and a whole lot of care. i got some of the biggest and most real hugs i've gotten in a long time from one of the programmers {beth!} anytime i'd see her, and most especially on closing night. such a sweet spirit. and lets not forget dustin and amy. and, from carl, the managing director, little snippets of warmth and acknowledgement when i never fully connected with him before. and to finally make it to a party at deborah's house {managing director} and not be too reserved to enjoy it....these were all rewards for sticking it out for three years, even after i've had a job and tons of other stuff to do the last two.

i love you, SIFF and all your amazing staff, i really do.

so that's the short answer, and here is the longer:

let me take you back through the month, starting with the opening weekend. the first four days of the festival packed a few surprises i never saw coming. of course, we were all a bit giddy about ewan mcgregor making an appearance in full scottish charm, but what took me by surprise happened even before his arrival.

opening night. the first grader. i had heard good things about this film from the moment i signed on to the festival a month or so earlier. it had come 2nd place in the audience award category for best film at another big festival {toronto?} losing out to the king's speech. tough competition there. this was a beautiful and sincere portrayal of a man in kenya who, at 84, fought hard for his right to an education and went back to first grade to learn how to read. the community revolted, threats where made and still this man, a spirit beaten by torture and loss, held firm. set in kenya, on a school yard that in real life carries its own tales, this was a winner of an opening night film.

and with this film came its director.

but wait. i need to back up a bit in this portion of the story. one of the first things i noticed about the festival line-up was that it included a new film by tom tykwer, director of one of my all time favorite movies: heaven. ecstatic that i would be one of the first people to see it, and perhaps even maybe he'd come all this way to accompany the film, i looked forward to the festival with extra fervor. but, alas! he did not make it and the film was scheduled to show opening weekend when everything was happening all at once and surely i would be required to be in some other place during the screening. which, it turns out, i was.

that other place was a film maker's dinner hosted by the festival. the film maker's dinners are small, exclusive dinners held for visiting film makers and the high ups of the festival and the fact that i, a mere intern, was going to be able to go as the guest relation's representative was a big deal. left without a choice, i somewhat grudgingly gave up the dream of seeing tom's film 3 at the festival. but i remember walking to the festival on opening night {the night before 3's screening} and consoling myself by thinking "well, i'll get to see 3 later, no doubt, and it's really a once in a lifetime opportunity to sit down and have dinner with justin chadwick {director of opening night film}, so get over it, nathania." and after that, the thought of missing the movie didn't bother me at all.

the funny thing about that moment was the fact that i hadn't met justin chadwick yet and really only knew him as someone who has directed one of my all time favorite acting heroes, natalie portman. but from the moment i met him down in the lobby of the w a few hours later, i could tell he was one of those radiant and sincere human beings you don't run into that often. so engaged and personable, it was a joy that first night hosting him around. the red carpet. pre-party. waiting and waiting and waiting backstage for the show to actually begin. post party. etc. he was just so lovely and present.

i even had a moment of synchronicity, when the universe gave me a little nudge which i, so gratefully, listened to: i had asked him about the movies he had seen on the rigorous festival circuit he'd recently made with his film. in the dialogue around the topic he mentioned he was bummed he wasn't going to see any during his stay in seattle. i immediately related to the frustration at being surrounded by amazing film without the time to see enough of it and then, the nudge in my head spoke quite clearly: mention the tom tykwer film, it said. and i replied really? won't that just come across like i'm trying hard to sound all knowledgable about film??? and again, the nudge came: mention the tom tywker film, nathania. and so i did, and before i knew it, he was saying how much he'd like to see it then i was conceding that we could just possibly squeeze it in before the dinner we both were due at later in the evening tomorrow night AND that my boss would not possibly say no to me making sure he got to see a film and make it to the dinner if it was on behalf of the charming justin chadwick.

so, not only was he an incredible human being, but i got to see a film of one of my film making heroes* with him as well. and that night {the night after opening night}--that one was in a class all on its own. the film, 3, though not one of my favorites, had a lot of juicy bits to take apart and look at, some playful and imaginative moments cinematically and thematically and a big reveal scene in a hallway that was just too much fun to watch. and even though technical difficulties with the screening made us late to the dinner, i had justin lead the way and gloss over our transgression with my boss {literally. as she stood up to mock scold me, i stopped, back tracked the few feet to justin and pushed him on ahead of me knowing her impatience couldn't win against his british charm and enthusiasm}.

and, at dinner, the magic really kicked in. the conversation between the three of us {justin, rhonda--my boss--and me} turned to the topic of creativity, the pulse and flow it has, and the way it pushes back to let you know when you're forcing it. that conversation evolved later as i drove him back to the hotel with a detour made to show off a bit of seattle's prettier angles. we spanned topics from the beginning of his creative endeavors to my modest start and growing ambitions. and the truly surprising thing was how much he got it. got my humble journey. got the fact that my job, though hardly where i want to be in life, is such a step in the right direction, putting a camera into my hands {one conveniently with hd vid}, forcing me to work with people and above all, allowing my life to be supported by my creativity, even if it's in the service of others and not my greater vision.

to be affirmed by someone so much further ahead in his artistic career. to be affirmed by someone who started off making a short film so many years ago starring none other than ewan mcgregor. to be affirmed by someone who truly knows in that connected, visceral kind of knowing, who sees so clearly and who, at the end of the night finished with "you're going to direct something, right? you should direct. you'd be a fantastic director--you have all the pieces: acting, photography, people skills...you need to direct." it. was. brilliant. and a much bigger gift of the universe than i was ever expecting, even when i told myself to stop complaining that i was going to miss 3 because of the film maker's dinner because i'd get to have dinner with justin chadwick.

justin telling the story about the crippled little girl who

was hidden by the kenyan community they were working in

because her parents were ashamed of her disability.

once the filming team got her to come out of hiding and later

when she really stepped forward, he wrote her part just for her.

the school children in the film have never seen movie image

until he recently took the movie to the school for them to see.

enter ewan mcgregor.

probably one of the most charming and charismatic human beings i have met. his playfulness goes beyond endearing to awe inspiring. such energy. seriously. and when i greeted him at the hotel after a long night of travel {lots of waiting on the runway because a scorpion had been spotted in the plane--i won't try to convey his retelling of that story}, he had nothing by smiles and gratitude at 1am for the fact that there was a welcoming committee that had stayed up so long to give an official hello from the festival.

the tribute day the next day was epic in its own way. me, donned in my impeccably fitting polka dotted dress, was chosen last minute by the artistic director of the festival to present ewan with his award. not a hard task except there's a gaping hole at the top of the stairs as you get to the top AND i'd be carrying a handmade glass sculpture by the artist sitting in the audience watching me AND i'd be handing it to the lovely ewan mcgregor--so there is a little room for nerves and mistakes. luckily, as you can see by the photo below, it all went smoothly.

that is, until he went in for the classic european gratitude kisses. one on each cheek.

beth, the head programmer of the festival {and one of the 7** people in my top 3 favorite SIFF staff} told me later that night that when he leaned in for the first peck, my shoulders did a little stiffen in surprise that i am sure he couldn't miss. we had been making good eye contact just moments before and any actor worth their beans {and he's worth a ton} is tuned into people and their body language.

sigh.

nothing's perfect.

except those two kisses.

or perhaps, the 3rd he gave me at the very end of the night--after a long day of press interviews, tea time meet & greet, red carpet lines {he was swarmed on the red carpet and gracious to the very last signature}, beginners q & a, tribute ceremony and interview, tribute reception and fancy schmancy dinner and then more schmoozing {!!!} he still had the gumption and grace after i stuck my head in the car to say "thank you, ewan, you're a gem of a human being!" to slide all the way across the massive SUV, sidle up to me and plant one more enthusiastic kiss on my cheek. MWAH!

yes, i am smitten.

but let me not distract myself from the two movies of his i got to see during the festival which are good even if you don't have a {small!} crush on him. 1. beginners, which was directed by mike mills who was also in attendance. charming. quirky. fresh and sincere. the love stories {man to man, father to son, son to dog, man to woman} in the film were all so dynamic and enjoyable. one of my favorite sweeter stories of the festival. 2. the perfect sense was the exact opposite of beginners. it was raw and aching and gritty and messy and terrifying. an apocalyptic film like children of men where it is the body that betrays the apocalypse. this time, rather than through the loss of our fertility, it is our senses that go, one by one, each blowing out like a fuse in the wake of some emotional outlet. the movie opens as the epidemic of grief washes across the world, taking with it our ability to smell. all that is coupled with a heartbreaking and beautiful love story with eva green opposite ewan. this film is up there with heaven and never let me go on the top of my list of favorite heart-aching films.

what was particularly incredible during this first week of watching good films starring strong female actors was how absent my envy was. after this incredible pep talk with justin chadwick that was followed up by seeing ewan mcgregor in action that was then followed up by a two hour meeting with the woman who will direct me later this fall....i felt like i was doing research going out and seeing these films and seeing what is being done right now in this field of film. it was a refreshing perspective for me to have and one i hope to maintain as much as possible. envy, i know, will get me no where except stuck.

and this feeling of optimism pointed me specifically towards films directed by women who also happened to write their own screenplays and in miranda july's case, star in her own film as well. these are women. real people. like me. who are doing something i admire and doing it with a degree of success. and part of this month was saturating myself in it as much as possible. the off hours {which was directed by megan griffiths and made locally on zero budget} & the future were two i specifically chose for that reason. and i almost turned around and didn't go to the off hours. it was another magic moment when i realized it was nearly sold out and i didn't necessarily want to pay for a ticket {staff usually get in for free}, but then one miraculously was provided for me by a sponsor who had an extra pass {we had met twice earlier in the festival}. and, in a further bit of nudging, the off hours was shot entirely on the camera that i own. using a lot of other equipment of course, but there you have it. a 5d mark ii.

the other aspect of the festival was these film maker's dinners that were hugely rewarding to participate in. after spending my last two years coordinating the invitees but never seeing them in person, it was so good to sit down with the film makers and then later see them at parties and really get a chance to meet some wonderful people who are out there making film. steve sanguedolce {director of blinding}: who repeatedly {and very astutely} nudged me to be filming 30 seconds of moving image a day--whatever strikes my fancy {steve, i haven't started yet, but i'm sooo close}. cara & andrew {the producer/director team behind the award winning on the ice}: a lovely pair that were a lot of fun to work with. so glad i saw their painful film. krystof zkatnik {director of lys}: another wonderful spirit. just a few years older than me. bringing his first feature film he made in school & hanging out for a week or two to boot. joe walker {editor of closing night's film}: a well of information about the stories behind the brilliant closing night film, life in a day. shot entirely by us, youtube users from around the world, on july 24th 2010, this is an intricately woven tapestry film, pieced together by joe's patient efforts. an incredibly visceral piece that is a tribute to the universality of moving image. and he was a generous spirit who, jet lagged and all, would talk to my friends and me and anyone else for as long as we had questions at the closing night party. another british man who is generous of spirit--i guess there is a nice symmetry to the festival in that we ended where we began.

so here we all are, at the final staff kick ball showdown and staff party. and then later, the final guest relations dinner. good bye. good bye. till next year all my darling friends and family.

staff happy hour:

guest relation's dinner:

this one on the right below is my boss, rhonda and me.

go team!

*tom is one of my filmmaking heroes for his pre big hollywood work: run lola run, the warrior & the princess, heaven and the short film with miss portman, true.

**my favorite SIFFers are {in no particular order}: rhonda, deborah, carl, beth, dustin, amy, carey, virginia {and i am sure there are more so no one get offended}

sensing the direction

here i am.
perched.
poised.
peeking into, over and beyond.
hoping.
and about to start production on a play i have waited years to run. produce. create into being a character named catherine who's story tenders currencies beyond numbers and figures into death and grieving and revealing and owning. her own creations become mine.

it's a good story {even a pulizer thought so} but more importantly: in this act, i feel like i've finally pointed my nose toward acting, though all the while in the back of my head, enjoying the fact that this particular piece will be an ensemble creation and we will all be invested in the process of bringing the story to stage.

so, it doesn't seem too far off the mark, as unexpected and delightful and humbling as it was to have a film director, after spending just an evening or two in my company, part ways saying {without stopping for breath}: "are you going to direct? you should direct. you know acting, you're great with people, you have the vision, passion...you would be a great director."

the first two nights of the film festival were brilliant. and this lovely, charming, wonderful soul i got not only to meet, but spend significant, connected, time with was a large part of it. the universe is a wise and generous place.

the remains of the day

$5 luxuries

from the capitol hill farmers market.

my heart sings today in red, yellow and orange.

getting practice

it's been so long since this space has been a part of my daily life, i have kind of lost the sense of when i have something cooking that needs to come out in words and pictures and that need not only be written down for me, but arranged and presented for you, too.

i think living alone will give me more time. at least, i hope, but this first week has gone by and there is still so much yet to be done for my new apartment, and there is always work to be done for my job. which is frustrating. my job should not rule my life. and i feel the gaps in my productivity, i know i'm not doing things as efficiently as i can and would like to, because i NEED more time for myself. i need time to make my own art, not just be creative for the sake of an income.

i want to write blogs again and emails. i have so many emails to write. long emails. months of updates to distribute. in-progress paintings that are aching to be worked on, walls that are begging to be adorned with yet un-realized work. and i want. need. must. make the leap and start making my life about my own art.

so this space is for that. my little sanctuary that surprised me in asking for white duvets and towels accented by light greys and steel blues. i'm not one for neutrals normally, or at least not a predominance, but my bathroom and bedroom are mostly whites. light. airy. free. even the walls are this soft beige that is a perfect color alongside the pristine white molding and details of the rest of the space. the ceilings are high. the southern facing windows, soft and constant.

this is a good place to start. more soon. nighty, night.



currently listening to: pandora radio - skinny love radio

long awaited details

well, not quite as long as some other things {like how the thom yorke shows went: too much for my tired mind, body and spirit to articulate at this moment}, but still long enough.

so without further ado, here is my new place. it's the loveliest place i have ever lived in surpassing even my darling studio at the new mcdermott. this apartment is the grown-up and matured version of that studio, and i am over-the-moon excited to start living here.

here we go:

the entryway with kick ass columns, a little nook that will perfectly fit one of my little wooden tables, and a walk in closet that will become the home to all my canvases and art supplies.

the living room, hopefully/probably large enough for at least one of my red couches and will definitely be a home to my new bookcase from my great-grandpa that perfectly matches said wooden table as well as the dark wood of the doors.

the formal dining room with an amazing light fixture i didn't noticed until the trip after i took these photos. this room is the reason why this apartment is perfect for me size-wise. it's got plenty of room for not only by table and chairs, but also a full studio and painting space for me to spread out and be creative. i just can't tell yet which of the two spaces will be closer to the window and which will be by the interior side of the room. oh, and notice the picture ledge that is about eye-level around the circumference of the room...

the kitchen with its original cabinetry, counter top space and storage galore, window and gas stove. i am in heaven. and not pictured here is the built-in book shelf normally for cook books but will end up being a colored selection still to be determined.

{first self-portrait in space}

the bedroom, with two windows, a second walk in closet, and space for my queen bed & desk. note: the blue tape around the windows is due to a painting project they are about to complete on the well-maintained exterior of the building. oh, and i get to keep flower boxes outside all of my windows. it will be my little dahlia garden except for outside the kitchen, which will be herbs.



the bathroom with its hardwood floor, window {every room has at least one window!}, and the only space with not enough storage, but i'm already on the hunt for a particular kind of cabinet that will be just perfect for storage as well as a little counter top for my jewelry.

a long shot from the kitchen through the whole apartment. kitchen, dining room, living room, bedroom and bathroom & walk-in closet at the far end.

oh, and to be noted, 1. the managers are splendid folks with a charming sense of humor. they work in the graphic design field in the medical industry and do things like take note of the sexy-smooth finish of some of the lease papers i was signing {mohawk paper}. definitely my kind of people. and 2. when i brought the first load/s of boxes {about 2/3 of my books} yesterday i met three people in the hall and each one not only said hello, but also introduced themselves. i met melody, my neighbor and she has a husband, peter, who was down the hall. melody helped me get my door open the first time which was a bit problematic. then i met wendy, the vietnamese lady who used to live in my apartment and just vacated this month to live with her daughter down the hall until mid-month when they move into a house together. perfect timing, wendy. and then i met jeremy, the nice bloke downstairs who was taking some food out to the yard waste/food composting bin {which is proof that it can be done in the city without attracting rats}. i now know almost as many people in the building after one day as i know from my building from ten months.

welcome to my home.