zoe keating is on repeat tonight, switching back and forth between optimist and sun will set. i find this combination to be an appropriate mix of encouragement and fatalism as i try and overhaul my life, making a list of habits i want to form* and goals i want to reach this year. what's left of the year that is.
and as i look at the tidy handwriting stretched taut and tidy over large pieces of clean craft paper, i find, tonight, that i am ready to be reckless, ready to take my arm across all the carefully placed pieces of my life and slide them right off the end of the table. what a satisfying sound they would make shattering on the wood of my floor...then i'd be free to pack up shop and cooly move to a new city. hell, a new country even {europe, you will still have me and my dutch citizenship, won't you?} because somedays it seems no matter how hard i try, no matter how hard i push the understood boundaries of myself, stretch into uncomfortable new places and learn from my mistakes, i still get nowhere.
because really, where am i?
where am i?
where am i?
where am i?
and what am i doing?
do you know? cause i sure don't.
and really, today, right now, what kills me most, and truthfully is the source of my deep-set frustration, is that i can't tell the difference between inertia and transition. and for the record they both suck anyway with their uncanny ability to kick my teeth to the curb when all i really want is a warm hand to hold.
i don't often pray. not in the way i was taught as a child, but tonight i will bow my head and ask for a sign. something small. something sweet. something clear. just tell me which direction to go, even if it's not what i want to hear. just make sure to tell me with symbols i can read clearly and words i can understand.
and please tell me with a hug to soften any blows.
and really, what i truly want is my happy-laugh to come back. the joyful, easy laugh that flies cleanly and frequently from my body when i am relaxed, when i am well rested, and when i am firmly connected to my sense of wellbeing. it surprised me after a long absence in the first weeks of the film festival and made a cameo appearance on my friend's wedding day and long into that night, but i want it back. for keeps. i want it to be the default laugh, not this convincing shade of a laugh that secretly isn't attached to my spirit.
*one habit being sleep i am still neglecting as my fingers move across the keyboard to vent this post into existence well beyond my bedtime.
No comments:
Post a Comment