from the neck

i've died twice in my dreams.

the first was years ago. it was a death modeled after my memory of a childhood friend's mother who died slowly at home, each sense slowly fading until only her ability to hear remained. they spent the last day or two of her life playing her favorite musical on repeat. in the dream, i was lying in bed, slowly feeling myself fade. it was like i was leaving layer after layer of myself, inhabiting less and less of my body until i was only this small kernel of existence inside my heart. and then even that was gone and i was cut off, discarding the shell of my flesh as i realized with a little sadness that i had died. a ghostly, diluted version of emotion of my former self. i lingered as a wraith for a few moments, hovering near my body, then i woke up.

last night was not like the first time. this was a sudden death. a death born from violence.

we had been trying to find something, meet up with someone or find a location. i am not sure what exactly, but there was a journey or a search, a sense of going toward something with a goal. and then we were on a train passing stylized houses and buildings reminiscent of images from wes anderson's moonrise kingdom i had seen the night before. after the pressure to do something surrounding the first part of the dream, it felt like a calm and steady ride, peaceful to just be in one place and be taken somewhere. but suddenly the train was stopped and scruffy men in tattered black clothes rushed in telling everyone to get down. my companion next to me quickly complied and maybe even tried to help me {there was concern from me coming from them, i could feel it}, but i wasn't fast enough and as the hijackers fired a shot into the cabin i knew i was hit. they got me at the base of my neck, just above my colar bone and i felt my death as a rush of warmth and red spreading out quickly from my throat. i had just enough time to register the finality of my death, witness it in slow motion replay from outside from the murderer's perspective before i woke up.

i believe death in dreams is a harbinger of change. in order to become something else something must end, a part of you must die. and in a way, i feel like the writing is on the wall, on all four walls, actually, coming at me from every direction as many important people in my life voice the same few words: you need to relax.

yes, i need to relax, breathe deeply, and trust. it's time to learn to trust again. starting here, now, with me. trusting myself. trusting my instincts, trusting my gut even when my brain is yelling to run for safety in the opposite direction. trusting that i've done my best, that my worth is not dependent on anything i am, think, or do. that it is this moment, the one i'm living and breathing into right now. now. now. now. nownownownownownownownownownow is all that matters.

i start my meditation practice today. now.