unrecognizable

sometimes you take a photo of yourself and there is no trace of the person you think you look like. it's surprising. it's refreshing. and yet it can also be humbling and somewhat heartbreaking when it's a version of yourself you think surpasses anything you have imagined yourself capable of being.

i don't know why this photo makes me stop and pause, why this grainy, slightly blurry iphone photo makes me think i am beautiful in a way i steadfastly refuse to give myself any credit for. perhaps it's the professionally done hair. perhaps it's the jaw line: so much clearer since the cleanse of this past month that has gently encouraged the excess flesh there to melt away. maybe it's that at least one person out there not only thought me kissable tonight but found the desire to act on it, however briefly.





no....scratch that. it's not that last one i am certain of and for that i am grateful. 

no, this photo is about me. about the transformation of the past months. and it's more than just my lines and curls and clavicle. it's about a poise and calm. and it's about some elusive simplicity intertwined with beauty that isn't for display or to earn anything or anyone, but rather a reflection of some inner delight and acceptance surfacing. suddenly. peacefully. finally.

i guess that's the true victory of these eight months without a home: discovering the ability to take pride in the spaces of my most immediate self: my body, my spirit, and the lines and colors and curves that they share. always before, i could only give beauty to the spaces of my home, transferring my power to something outside myself, unconsciously divesting myself of the most inherent truth of me.


not only do i have a home again, but now, just now, i finally feel like i have earned it.