8:50pm

and still lots of sunshine left. i love summer in seattle.

the film festival {in full color}

the seattle international film festival.

it wrapped up last week in a tidy bundle of bitter and sweet all pretty with a bow. as much as it was painful at moments working a full time job, interning long hours and of course seeing as many movies as i could possibly manage comfortably while also trying to sleep and get the odd run in here or there, every year it's more than worth it. even when the burn of not enough sleep kicks in and my body suffers a bit under the delectable burden of late night meals and way too much chocolate, i'm in the thick of the most interesting things happening in seattle and i cannot complain.

before i dive into an overly detailed account of the festival {which i double dog dare you to read all the way through}, i just want to say how much i felt a part of the SIFF family this year. coming back for my third year, making it to more of the parties {ones that i wasn't working through} and finding i actually enjoy them {a lot} i realized how much i appreciate in a deep way the community built up around film. there is no boring small talk there and a whole lot of care. i got some of the biggest and most real hugs i've gotten in a long time from one of the programmers {beth!} anytime i'd see her, and most especially on closing night. such a sweet spirit. and lets not forget dustin and amy. and, from carl, the managing director, little snippets of warmth and acknowledgement when i never fully connected with him before. and to finally make it to a party at deborah's house {managing director} and not be too reserved to enjoy it....these were all rewards for sticking it out for three years, even after i've had a job and tons of other stuff to do the last two.

i love you, SIFF and all your amazing staff, i really do.

so that's the short answer, and here is the longer:

let me take you back through the month, starting with the opening weekend. the first four days of the festival packed a few surprises i never saw coming. of course, we were all a bit giddy about ewan mcgregor making an appearance in full scottish charm, but what took me by surprise happened even before his arrival.

opening night. the first grader. i had heard good things about this film from the moment i signed on to the festival a month or so earlier. it had come 2nd place in the audience award category for best film at another big festival {toronto?} losing out to the king's speech. tough competition there. this was a beautiful and sincere portrayal of a man in kenya who, at 84, fought hard for his right to an education and went back to first grade to learn how to read. the community revolted, threats where made and still this man, a spirit beaten by torture and loss, held firm. set in kenya, on a school yard that in real life carries its own tales, this was a winner of an opening night film.

and with this film came its director.

but wait. i need to back up a bit in this portion of the story. one of the first things i noticed about the festival line-up was that it included a new film by tom tykwer, director of one of my all time favorite movies: heaven. ecstatic that i would be one of the first people to see it, and perhaps even maybe he'd come all this way to accompany the film, i looked forward to the festival with extra fervor. but, alas! he did not make it and the film was scheduled to show opening weekend when everything was happening all at once and surely i would be required to be in some other place during the screening. which, it turns out, i was.

that other place was a film maker's dinner hosted by the festival. the film maker's dinners are small, exclusive dinners held for visiting film makers and the high ups of the festival and the fact that i, a mere intern, was going to be able to go as the guest relation's representative was a big deal. left without a choice, i somewhat grudgingly gave up the dream of seeing tom's film 3 at the festival. but i remember walking to the festival on opening night {the night before 3's screening} and consoling myself by thinking "well, i'll get to see 3 later, no doubt, and it's really a once in a lifetime opportunity to sit down and have dinner with justin chadwick {director of opening night film}, so get over it, nathania." and after that, the thought of missing the movie didn't bother me at all.

the funny thing about that moment was the fact that i hadn't met justin chadwick yet and really only knew him as someone who has directed one of my all time favorite acting heroes, natalie portman. but from the moment i met him down in the lobby of the w a few hours later, i could tell he was one of those radiant and sincere human beings you don't run into that often. so engaged and personable, it was a joy that first night hosting him around. the red carpet. pre-party. waiting and waiting and waiting backstage for the show to actually begin. post party. etc. he was just so lovely and present.

i even had a moment of synchronicity, when the universe gave me a little nudge which i, so gratefully, listened to: i had asked him about the movies he had seen on the rigorous festival circuit he'd recently made with his film. in the dialogue around the topic he mentioned he was bummed he wasn't going to see any during his stay in seattle. i immediately related to the frustration at being surrounded by amazing film without the time to see enough of it and then, the nudge in my head spoke quite clearly: mention the tom tykwer film, it said. and i replied really? won't that just come across like i'm trying hard to sound all knowledgable about film??? and again, the nudge came: mention the tom tywker film, nathania. and so i did, and before i knew it, he was saying how much he'd like to see it then i was conceding that we could just possibly squeeze it in before the dinner we both were due at later in the evening tomorrow night AND that my boss would not possibly say no to me making sure he got to see a film and make it to the dinner if it was on behalf of the charming justin chadwick.

so, not only was he an incredible human being, but i got to see a film of one of my film making heroes* with him as well. and that night {the night after opening night}--that one was in a class all on its own. the film, 3, though not one of my favorites, had a lot of juicy bits to take apart and look at, some playful and imaginative moments cinematically and thematically and a big reveal scene in a hallway that was just too much fun to watch. and even though technical difficulties with the screening made us late to the dinner, i had justin lead the way and gloss over our transgression with my boss {literally. as she stood up to mock scold me, i stopped, back tracked the few feet to justin and pushed him on ahead of me knowing her impatience couldn't win against his british charm and enthusiasm}.

and, at dinner, the magic really kicked in. the conversation between the three of us {justin, rhonda--my boss--and me} turned to the topic of creativity, the pulse and flow it has, and the way it pushes back to let you know when you're forcing it. that conversation evolved later as i drove him back to the hotel with a detour made to show off a bit of seattle's prettier angles. we spanned topics from the beginning of his creative endeavors to my modest start and growing ambitions. and the truly surprising thing was how much he got it. got my humble journey. got the fact that my job, though hardly where i want to be in life, is such a step in the right direction, putting a camera into my hands {one conveniently with hd vid}, forcing me to work with people and above all, allowing my life to be supported by my creativity, even if it's in the service of others and not my greater vision.

to be affirmed by someone so much further ahead in his artistic career. to be affirmed by someone who started off making a short film so many years ago starring none other than ewan mcgregor. to be affirmed by someone who truly knows in that connected, visceral kind of knowing, who sees so clearly and who, at the end of the night finished with "you're going to direct something, right? you should direct. you'd be a fantastic director--you have all the pieces: acting, photography, people skills...you need to direct." it. was. brilliant. and a much bigger gift of the universe than i was ever expecting, even when i told myself to stop complaining that i was going to miss 3 because of the film maker's dinner because i'd get to have dinner with justin chadwick.

justin telling the story about the crippled little girl who

was hidden by the kenyan community they were working in

because her parents were ashamed of her disability.

once the filming team got her to come out of hiding and later

when she really stepped forward, he wrote her part just for her.

the school children in the film have never seen movie image

until he recently took the movie to the school for them to see.

enter ewan mcgregor.

probably one of the most charming and charismatic human beings i have met. his playfulness goes beyond endearing to awe inspiring. such energy. seriously. and when i greeted him at the hotel after a long night of travel {lots of waiting on the runway because a scorpion had been spotted in the plane--i won't try to convey his retelling of that story}, he had nothing by smiles and gratitude at 1am for the fact that there was a welcoming committee that had stayed up so long to give an official hello from the festival.

the tribute day the next day was epic in its own way. me, donned in my impeccably fitting polka dotted dress, was chosen last minute by the artistic director of the festival to present ewan with his award. not a hard task except there's a gaping hole at the top of the stairs as you get to the top AND i'd be carrying a handmade glass sculpture by the artist sitting in the audience watching me AND i'd be handing it to the lovely ewan mcgregor--so there is a little room for nerves and mistakes. luckily, as you can see by the photo below, it all went smoothly.

that is, until he went in for the classic european gratitude kisses. one on each cheek.

beth, the head programmer of the festival {and one of the 7** people in my top 3 favorite SIFF staff} told me later that night that when he leaned in for the first peck, my shoulders did a little stiffen in surprise that i am sure he couldn't miss. we had been making good eye contact just moments before and any actor worth their beans {and he's worth a ton} is tuned into people and their body language.

sigh.

nothing's perfect.

except those two kisses.

or perhaps, the 3rd he gave me at the very end of the night--after a long day of press interviews, tea time meet & greet, red carpet lines {he was swarmed on the red carpet and gracious to the very last signature}, beginners q & a, tribute ceremony and interview, tribute reception and fancy schmancy dinner and then more schmoozing {!!!} he still had the gumption and grace after i stuck my head in the car to say "thank you, ewan, you're a gem of a human being!" to slide all the way across the massive SUV, sidle up to me and plant one more enthusiastic kiss on my cheek. MWAH!

yes, i am smitten.

but let me not distract myself from the two movies of his i got to see during the festival which are good even if you don't have a {small!} crush on him. 1. beginners, which was directed by mike mills who was also in attendance. charming. quirky. fresh and sincere. the love stories {man to man, father to son, son to dog, man to woman} in the film were all so dynamic and enjoyable. one of my favorite sweeter stories of the festival. 2. the perfect sense was the exact opposite of beginners. it was raw and aching and gritty and messy and terrifying. an apocalyptic film like children of men where it is the body that betrays the apocalypse. this time, rather than through the loss of our fertility, it is our senses that go, one by one, each blowing out like a fuse in the wake of some emotional outlet. the movie opens as the epidemic of grief washes across the world, taking with it our ability to smell. all that is coupled with a heartbreaking and beautiful love story with eva green opposite ewan. this film is up there with heaven and never let me go on the top of my list of favorite heart-aching films.

what was particularly incredible during this first week of watching good films starring strong female actors was how absent my envy was. after this incredible pep talk with justin chadwick that was followed up by seeing ewan mcgregor in action that was then followed up by a two hour meeting with the woman who will direct me later this fall....i felt like i was doing research going out and seeing these films and seeing what is being done right now in this field of film. it was a refreshing perspective for me to have and one i hope to maintain as much as possible. envy, i know, will get me no where except stuck.

and this feeling of optimism pointed me specifically towards films directed by women who also happened to write their own screenplays and in miranda july's case, star in her own film as well. these are women. real people. like me. who are doing something i admire and doing it with a degree of success. and part of this month was saturating myself in it as much as possible. the off hours {which was directed by megan griffiths and made locally on zero budget} & the future were two i specifically chose for that reason. and i almost turned around and didn't go to the off hours. it was another magic moment when i realized it was nearly sold out and i didn't necessarily want to pay for a ticket {staff usually get in for free}, but then one miraculously was provided for me by a sponsor who had an extra pass {we had met twice earlier in the festival}. and, in a further bit of nudging, the off hours was shot entirely on the camera that i own. using a lot of other equipment of course, but there you have it. a 5d mark ii.

the other aspect of the festival was these film maker's dinners that were hugely rewarding to participate in. after spending my last two years coordinating the invitees but never seeing them in person, it was so good to sit down with the film makers and then later see them at parties and really get a chance to meet some wonderful people who are out there making film. steve sanguedolce {director of blinding}: who repeatedly {and very astutely} nudged me to be filming 30 seconds of moving image a day--whatever strikes my fancy {steve, i haven't started yet, but i'm sooo close}. cara & andrew {the producer/director team behind the award winning on the ice}: a lovely pair that were a lot of fun to work with. so glad i saw their painful film. krystof zkatnik {director of lys}: another wonderful spirit. just a few years older than me. bringing his first feature film he made in school & hanging out for a week or two to boot. joe walker {editor of closing night's film}: a well of information about the stories behind the brilliant closing night film, life in a day. shot entirely by us, youtube users from around the world, on july 24th 2010, this is an intricately woven tapestry film, pieced together by joe's patient efforts. an incredibly visceral piece that is a tribute to the universality of moving image. and he was a generous spirit who, jet lagged and all, would talk to my friends and me and anyone else for as long as we had questions at the closing night party. another british man who is generous of spirit--i guess there is a nice symmetry to the festival in that we ended where we began.

so here we all are, at the final staff kick ball showdown and staff party. and then later, the final guest relations dinner. good bye. good bye. till next year all my darling friends and family.

staff happy hour:

guest relation's dinner:

this one on the right below is my boss, rhonda and me.

go team!

*tom is one of my filmmaking heroes for his pre big hollywood work: run lola run, the warrior & the princess, heaven and the short film with miss portman, true.

**my favorite SIFFers are {in no particular order}: rhonda, deborah, carl, beth, dustin, amy, carey, virginia {and i am sure there are more so no one get offended}

housing shopping

where oh where will my next home be?
i have an interview with a shared housing situation tomorrow. excited about the possibilities even if it means leaving my darling capitol hill for awhile.

metal mouth

you pop up around blind corners
crouch down behind open doors
always and forever appearing
just after i've stopped the game of hide and seek,
picked up my abandoned book
and cozied up to a chair.

the only thing i can count on
is the rush of renewed hope
and the sharp taste of metal
that floods my mouth
every time i glimpse a corner of your face
or a twist of your hair.

because you are liquid mercury
changing direction faster than i can keep up
always somehow ending up in my mouth
slipping past closed lips
finding the back door--
perhaps the one you've been hiding behind--
tangy yet somehow still sweet.

god, i have done my best,
but this time i'm going to stay in my chair
book in hand
eyes firmly on the page
so if there is something for me in this game
you're going to have to give me a clear sign
and stop playing around.

closing night

the visit {part 2}

the visit

it's home stretch of the festival. i am at my max and at the end of my emotional endurance. three. more. days.

in the meantime, to be heard and held. to be encouraged and met. i can't tell you how brilliant the timing of her visit--one of my best friends here in my apartment living and sleeping beside me these last full days.

bare feet on clean sheets. curling up to a movie in bed. chocolate walnut cookie discoveries. my heart is tired and full and i am grateful for her presence as witness and to in turn, be asked to witness.

the off hours

waiting in line for the #10 or #11 film of the festival. local production. female director. recommended by the head programmer of the festival. almost turned around and went home because it looked like it would sell out but ended up being handed a ticket as well as a nice spot in line because i happened to be in the right place at the right time. magic happens.

where am i?

i am in the final stretch of the film festival, still hoping to share some of what it's been for me this year, how i've moved through connections and films and watching amazing actresses on screen, free for the first time of the simmering envy i don't like to admit i've carried around for as long as i have.

and i'm on the other side of my first audition. monologue delivered. and though the first words out of their mouth were "you probably hear a lot that you look like maggie gyllenhaal" at least i didn't bomb it so much they said "thank you for your time" and send me along the way. there is a major conflict i have in the performance schedule, but i won't think about that at the moment. i haven't even made it to callbacks yet, which, i am not counting on. my cold read wasn't exciting to me. at least i made it to the cold read. mission accomplished.

more. soon. hopefully. thanks for your patience. i am here. i am here.