little perks

or big ones, depending on how you look at it.

first bath in the new space and i finally discovered that my tub is
long enough for my legs to stretch out in. all the way. even
slouching. this is quite a feat at my height and a perk of the new
space not to be underestimated. i can already tell i am going to make
it through this winter with a double dose of baths.

expectations

this time i expected it, waiting for it in the pause of the conversation that followed the progression of topics from inception*, to christopher nolan {the director}, to the dark knight {his previous film}. that's when it came--the space where the pause sat and cooled its heels, and i strolled up and joined it there, counting down the moments it took for the other person to make the now predictable comparison and say "you know, you look a lot like maggie gyllenhaal."

and i don't know what any of this means, but it does mean something, somewhere in me, to be constantly compared to someone i would love be like in a lot of ways. and i know she's a quirky beauty, but at least she's considered a beauty in her own way and that's something too.


*which deserves its own entry

getting practice

it's been so long since this space has been a part of my daily life, i have kind of lost the sense of when i have something cooking that needs to come out in words and pictures and that need not only be written down for me, but arranged and presented for you, too.

i think living alone will give me more time. at least, i hope, but this first week has gone by and there is still so much yet to be done for my new apartment, and there is always work to be done for my job. which is frustrating. my job should not rule my life. and i feel the gaps in my productivity, i know i'm not doing things as efficiently as i can and would like to, because i NEED more time for myself. i need time to make my own art, not just be creative for the sake of an income.

i want to write blogs again and emails. i have so many emails to write. long emails. months of updates to distribute. in-progress paintings that are aching to be worked on, walls that are begging to be adorned with yet un-realized work. and i want. need. must. make the leap and start making my life about my own art.

so this space is for that. my little sanctuary that surprised me in asking for white duvets and towels accented by light greys and steel blues. i'm not one for neutrals normally, or at least not a predominance, but my bathroom and bedroom are mostly whites. light. airy. free. even the walls are this soft beige that is a perfect color alongside the pristine white molding and details of the rest of the space. the ceilings are high. the southern facing windows, soft and constant.

this is a good place to start. more soon. nighty, night.



currently listening to: pandora radio - skinny love radio

listening to vampire weekend's white sky

but busy making mine golden.

green/iceland

had a dream last night i was traveling though greenland, but often
confusing it for iceland (and i think in the strange way of dreams it
actually was iceland). it was just a short plane right north and the
land was beautiful and magical. at one point i was actually flying
over the land giddy with the rich colors (but at the same time
desaturated) below me. i felt strong and adventurous and flying was
amazing as it always is in dreams. there were others. we were on a
mission. but details have faded.

i've felt for some time now a pull toward iceland. maybe this is
another push in that direction.

l{one}liness {pt. 2.}

this poem by e.e. cummings is one i used in a freshman year project and one of the few pieces of my art i am sad i no longer possess. it didn't fit in my suitcase coming back from freshman year so it got folded up and put in the trash. it was a 2-d project that involved inking in these strips of 1" by 4" pieces of paper with black pen to create these bands of black and white graphics that were then rearranged into a design somehow linked to a piece of writing. mind you, we filled in all the strips without knowing what the final result would be, so i was delighted with how easily i could create this vertical design that elegantly mimicked the zig zag descent of a leaf.

is a little lost on modern keyboards where there is a visual distinction between a letter 'l' and a number '1.' so for the sake of preserving the integrity of the poem, i've made all the number '1's into l's.

l(a

le
af
fa
ll

s)

one
l

iness

l{one}liness

getting used to being alone again. it's a funny thing how much i wanted my own space, yet now i find myself sad and feeling rejected left and right and just overall mopey despite the fantastic step this is for me. asking for exactly what i want. getting exactly what i want. and being available to the other things that haven't arrived yet and will be just as wonderfully perfect yet perfectly flawed as i can and can't imagine.
am i making sense?
or not.
i don't know that i care either way, but the house is starting to take shape and i hope the heaviness of spirit {that is probably exhaustion parading about in emotional form}
will fade.

see you all soon. thanks again for your patience.

..........................................

i revisit here a quote from winterson's stone gods:

'loneliness isn't about being by yourself. that's fine, right and good, desirable
in many ways. loneliness is about finding a landing-place, or not, and
knowing that, whatever you do, you can go back there. the opposite of loneliness
isn't company, it's a return. a place to return.'

i want my home to be a place to return to.
soon.

last commute from the old place

And not to worry, new address forthcoming. :)

packing

late nights
going through the clutter
finding a few things from the past that still resonate.
old art work {by the way i found an emotional/space compromise that includes keeping those few high school pieces}, photos of an old ex on some random cd, and art supplies i still want to make something out of.

this piece is from a late-college self portrait shoot {the final product is also below}.
it was the only time i would appear in front of the camera semi-nude {only the tops of my shoulders appeared}, despite all the other students having done {tasteful} self-portrait nudes of some form or another.

i am still shy.

anyway, the sleepy, meandering point i'm trying to make is that i like the way my hand is illuminated. the hand.

long awaited details

well, not quite as long as some other things {like how the thom yorke shows went: too much for my tired mind, body and spirit to articulate at this moment}, but still long enough.

so without further ado, here is my new place. it's the loveliest place i have ever lived in surpassing even my darling studio at the new mcdermott. this apartment is the grown-up and matured version of that studio, and i am over-the-moon excited to start living here.

here we go:

the entryway with kick ass columns, a little nook that will perfectly fit one of my little wooden tables, and a walk in closet that will become the home to all my canvases and art supplies.

the living room, hopefully/probably large enough for at least one of my red couches and will definitely be a home to my new bookcase from my great-grandpa that perfectly matches said wooden table as well as the dark wood of the doors.

the formal dining room with an amazing light fixture i didn't noticed until the trip after i took these photos. this room is the reason why this apartment is perfect for me size-wise. it's got plenty of room for not only by table and chairs, but also a full studio and painting space for me to spread out and be creative. i just can't tell yet which of the two spaces will be closer to the window and which will be by the interior side of the room. oh, and notice the picture ledge that is about eye-level around the circumference of the room...

the kitchen with its original cabinetry, counter top space and storage galore, window and gas stove. i am in heaven. and not pictured here is the built-in book shelf normally for cook books but will end up being a colored selection still to be determined.

{first self-portrait in space}

the bedroom, with two windows, a second walk in closet, and space for my queen bed & desk. note: the blue tape around the windows is due to a painting project they are about to complete on the well-maintained exterior of the building. oh, and i get to keep flower boxes outside all of my windows. it will be my little dahlia garden except for outside the kitchen, which will be herbs.



the bathroom with its hardwood floor, window {every room has at least one window!}, and the only space with not enough storage, but i'm already on the hunt for a particular kind of cabinet that will be just perfect for storage as well as a little counter top for my jewelry.

a long shot from the kitchen through the whole apartment. kitchen, dining room, living room, bedroom and bathroom & walk-in closet at the far end.

oh, and to be noted, 1. the managers are splendid folks with a charming sense of humor. they work in the graphic design field in the medical industry and do things like take note of the sexy-smooth finish of some of the lease papers i was signing {mohawk paper}. definitely my kind of people. and 2. when i brought the first load/s of boxes {about 2/3 of my books} yesterday i met three people in the hall and each one not only said hello, but also introduced themselves. i met melody, my neighbor and she has a husband, peter, who was down the hall. melody helped me get my door open the first time which was a bit problematic. then i met wendy, the vietnamese lady who used to live in my apartment and just vacated this month to live with her daughter down the hall until mid-month when they move into a house together. perfect timing, wendy. and then i met jeremy, the nice bloke downstairs who was taking some food out to the yard waste/food composting bin {which is proof that it can be done in the city without attracting rats}. i now know almost as many people in the building after one day as i know from my building from ten months.

welcome to my home.