it's official!!!

i get to stay.
in my apartment. my lovely perch.
as long as i want.

thank you obama, for my little share in the stimulus package.
an extra $45 a week goes a long way for someone unemployed.
thank you, nathania, for listening to the little voice in your head that suggested you call the financial aid department at washington university instead of just submitting the forbearance requests for your loans. thank you, nice lady on the phone, for correcting my assumption and telling me to fill out the unemployment deferment forms instead. this means they can be deferred for up to three years with zero interest. yes, you read right. no interest will be accrued and capitalized on either of the two largish loans i have because of my fancy schooling.

all this means there is now enough extra money each month to go towards things like food and gas and other random necessities {like zone 21 parking permits i will now need since i'm staying past the current expiration date of may 31st}.

thank you, world, for all these little perks.
thank you for letting me leave my studio on my own terms
{whenever they may come up}
rather than having it wrenched away and replaced with something temporary or less exquisite.


thank you.
thank you.
thank you.

now i'm off to go grocery shop and workout {and you betcha' i'm going to buy a few fancy non-necessities i've tried my darndest to pretend didn't exist this past month or so like goat cheese and breakfast sausage}.

dead weight

it takes a lot to get me going each day.
a lot to keep positive and not completely overwhelmed.
so getting to the point of blogging,
{which means not only living and savoring my life,
but having extra energy to spare
to display and preserve it,
take the experiences apart
and put them back together again with words and colors}
has been a challenge.
and not so frequent these days.

and as before, it's not about the guilt of not producing writing,
but more about what the silence means.

so things are passing through me without a written trace.
and i can only sit here tonight
hoping i didn't get a ticket for accidently going through a red light
{i saw the double flash of the camera but still hope beyond hope it gets mixed up and never finds me.}
and i'm hoping it wasn't a stupid thing to do: passing up a job opportunity i'm fairly certain i could have gotten that paid well but had crappy hours and would have forced me to seriously change/give up on my plans to pursuit acting starting with small plays around the city {that would rehearse and perform during the working hours of this job} to lead me to one day grad school, perhaps.
and the event of the overnight stay my best friend had to weather in the hospital this past weekend: the iv's. the medical tape. the blue mask, the shuddering coughs, the doctor's hint{?} of emphysema {though he's a non-smoker}, the exhaustion.
the end of the elegance of the hedgehog which you haven't heard the last of.
the nightmares.
the struggle to get to sleep early.
make art.
have some time for myself.
why do i always fill my time up to the tippy top?
seattle international film festival is just around the corner and it's going to drink up the last bit of space in my schedule i can already tell.

i think this past week has just been a tough week.

and i'm writing, fighting going off to bed when i know that would be best for my adrenals as well as my emotional well being,
trying to fill the space with something significant to mark that i am here. breathing. writing. and capable of moving and making life in these private art spaces of mine.
ignoring the decision for one more day about whether or not to try to squeek by and stay in my expensive, but darling apartment. just one more month.
and block out the simmering ache in my back tooth that won't let me be.

but tomorrow is a new day. and it will come better and fresher and cleanering and brighter if i go to bed now.

and it's been about two months since i've listened to radiohead. maybe more. hopefully you'll hear more on that later, too.

yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

i pulled out my journal tonight to write about a lot of things coming up from my human being story.
old hurts.
new ones.
the usual.

but i pulled out a purple pen
and start writing a long line of
why not me? why not me? why not me? why not me?

i followed it by a line of yes
then two pages of affirmations.
the things that i want to say yes to.
welcome in.

after a long list of specifics
i polished the entry off with a 1/4 page of yes.

yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

and then i turned the page and just kept on going.

yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.
yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

roughly 19 rows by 12 columns.

and i know every one counts.
for something.
for everything.

yes.

siff....here i cooooome!!!

on the 11th of april, ross, a friend and i went to circus contraption {the images}. the venue camps out at theo chocolates here in fremont which means that the only option for toilets are a plastic blue port-a-potty. on the 11th, i was feeling pretty shoddy. my nose was running like mad, my body ached and there was no way i was going to subject myself to squatting over a dark stinky pit of other people's excrement. enough is enough.

so.

i walked the two blocks east to pcc {one of my favorite organic grocery stores} and used their superior restroom accomodations.

as i was exiting the restroom, my eyes were snagged by one of the fliers that was literally dead center from the doorway of the women's restroom. the flier announced a volunteer meeting next week for the seattle international film festival at the egyptian theater {~3 blocks from my apt}. i figured i would go since i could do a few volunteer shifts and see a few movies for free which i could otherwise not really afford right now.

a week passes. i wake up early from housesitting on the sammamish plateau and skitter across the water to shower and feel presentable and i head out.

and almost turn around on the walk over
suddenly
{inexplicably}
wanting someone to be coming with me.

i win the silent battle with my inner scardy cat {mainly because i tell myself if i can't go to a faceless volunteer meeting, how will i ever get to and through an audition} and i walk into the jam packed egyptian.

i stole a seat tucked onto one far side of the theater and watch the presentations and slowly realize there are bigger opportunities here for internships {unpaid, unfortunately}. various groups pitch their need but i remain ambivalent until the very end when the guest relations group presents. suddenly i'm sitting up straighter inside my head and i know this is why i'm here. this is the group that works directly with the 200 guests of the festival {including mr francis ford coppolla & spike lee} to help bring them in, ferry them around, make sure they are happy at the w hotel, etc.

so we disperse to sign up with individual groups and i bee-line it as much as possible to the guest relations table in the slowly moving throng of people heading out. and lucky me: it turns out my seat was strategically placed to get me to the tables sooner so i don't have to wait all that long to speak with one of the guest relations workers.

we chat a little.
i get excited.
i mention i'm unemployed and she stars my name on the list i just signed and offers me an opportunity for an internship.
their group tends to be really popular so it wasn't announced or else all 800 people would be swarming to their table.
i get more excited and agree to send her my resume.
i linger a bit longer, and on my way out make a point waiting around to get in contact with the head of the guest relations department. just so she'd have a face. so she would know i was that interested.

and now it's thursday and i go in for an interview and not only am i offered one of the few coveted internships, but i am offered to be the head of the department's right hand throughout the festival. each of the guest relations staff have their own particular intern as well as a few general dept interns, but deborah, the head of the dept still hadn't found anyone to assist her. so, i will be the intern that helps her out at the all galas and functions, and helps organize and coordinate each guest dinner, etc. and i'm so stoked.

and part of me is worried.
worried about devoting so much time to something that doesn't help keep me in my apartment, doesn't help with bills, potentially may take away from my time to pour into the last quarter of my acting class.
and then, a louder, calmer voice steps in and says: don't be ridiculous, nathania, film is something you are intensely passionate about and this is your way of getting involved with the industry directly. have a little faith. take a little risk.

and so i'm going to listen. and say yes.
yes, i have enough time for this.
yes, this is the direction i want to go.
yes, i will be able to stay in my apartment and leave on my own terms.
yes, i will have enough money.
yes, this is the right thing.
yes, your inner compass is still working.
yes, this is what i want.

this is me on the way to the interview yesterday.

currently listening to: explosions in the sky - the earth is not a cold dead place

\LAY-byl\

this was the word of the day on my last day of work {4.14.09}.
and it gave/gives me hope.

labile \LAY-byl\, adjective:

1. open to change; apt or likely to change; adaptable.
2. constantly or readily undergoing chemical, physical, or biological change or breakdown.

and this was the weather in the morning when i came into work.

and this was the weather as i drove home again at the end of the day.

11 days

that's how long it's been since i've posted.

and i feel like i've lost a lot of moments.









and the weight of what's passed by unwritten
unpreserved
grows daily.
making the effort of writing that much harder.

a chinese finger trap of sorts.

so, a few high{lo}lights:

the last days of work.
and those two lonely car rides
across 90 to a job no longer mine
starting as a cloudy and pessimistic day
ending, finally, with a stretch of sun.

and two goodbyes too hard to say.

sigur ros brought me home.
at last.
quietly.

hopefully?

a lot of being sick.
under the weather.
a little brother in town.
a little brother back out again.
and in again but not around.

and a whole lot of back and forth.
up and down.
in and out.

i haven't seen an unemployment check
or, more worrisome,
the percentage i relied on
that won't be there any more.
and i still don't know what is going to happen
with my housing situation come june 1st.

oh, my darling apartment, how i pray to keep you.

but opportunities i wouldn't have been open to me before
are suddenly there.
staring back at me from a flier on pcc's community board:
"seattle international film festival needs volunteers."

now an interview on thursday.
not paid.
but i'll be volunteering at a film festival.
staff pass.
free entry to all the films (i can make it to)
and the galas.
perhaps a glimpse of francis ford coppolla.

perhaps...

so wish me luck.

and thanks for waiting {and asking where i might be}.
it feels good to be back.

i guess my heart has been a little heavier of late.
harder to pick itself up and speak.
but, it's there.
we're here.
and we're back.

(ûr'jən-sē)

ur·gen·cy - (ûr'jən-sē)
noun

1. the state of being urgent; an earnest and insistent necessity
2. pressing importance requiring speedy action
3. an urgent situation calling for prompt action
4. the all consuming force behind my infernal restlessness, my compulsive-list-making, & my accomplishment-driven mentality. i've even taken a closer look at this part of me several times and have never been able to see past the image of the hamster on the wheel that is running {and running and running} exhaustively and getting absolutely no where.

but in the past few days {since finding out the news} the loud rattle and squeak of a wheel in constant motion has stopped. and while the silence is simultaneously deafening and rejuvenating, all the sharp, pressing edges have softened to warm and welcoming lines.

welcome back to yourself, they say. and welcome back to the feeling of having enough time.