encore

james blake.


he came to me by way of "wilhelm scream" on a music mix. october 2011. oh, what a month that was for me. the beginning of an era i haven't entirely made sense of. one not entirely come to fruition. it was the month i turned 29 and started rehearsing for the play. the month i got this mix and played a hole into the cd on a drive down and back from bend, oregon.

and tonight, as blake came back on to the stage after a set that wasn't nearly long enough, he opened up to our pleas for an encore with the notes to the song "wilhelm scream" and my heart opened up too – suddenly. after a set that was largely sonic and visceral, he surprised me right at the end. reminding me of a time before the song, before a deep gulf was exposed inside of me. before a year of painful struggle and growth needed to span it closed again – helping me towards whole.

the melody and words were a sudden and direct line back to the person i was when the song first came to me. i stared that older version of me in the face with a heavy dose of empathy for what the next year ahead of her would be, how it would be one of the hardest of our life. and though they come far less frequently than ever before, some days, like earlier today, i face the chasms still remaining and wonder if i would make the same choices again. put her through what she went through, daunted as i am at how far it sometimes seems that i still have to go.

but really, decisions of this magnitude have never been something i can second guess, ever, despite the fact that many of you have done so {lovingly} on my behalf. even as my heart goes out to her, that person i was, and in turn reaches around through time to me now, i know that this was the best and perhaps quickest way to becoming the person i want to be.

instead, here i am, running myself in {smaller, less frequent or frenetic} circles much like the lyrics of the song. here i am managing to stay tied to my very clear marching orders forward, tied to the fact that all i can do, all i want to do, is move further into my life in the name of truth. move forward in the name of strength. move forward in the name of love. even if it feels like i'm falling. falling. falling. 

and as long as i'm paying attention, i see those small signs that tell me how far i've come. and they are the ultimate comfort to the person looking forward at me from a year and a half backwards in time. and in her eyes, i can see she is filled with relief and encouragement that all along, it was for something. more than something, actually. everything. even if i can't hold it yet.







I don't know about my dreamsI don't know about my dreamin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin'Might as well fall in
I don't know about my loveI don't know about my lovin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin'Might as well fall in
I don't know about my dreamsI don't know about my dreamin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin'
I don't know about my loveI don't know about my lovin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm lovin', fallin', lovin', lovin'Might as well love you
I don't know about my loveI don't know about my lovin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm turnin', turnin', turnin', turnin'Might as well turn in
I don't know about my dreamsI don't know about my dreamin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin'Might as well fall in
I don't know about my loveI don't know about my lovin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin'Might as well fall in
I don't know about my dreamsI don't know about my dreamin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin'
I don't know about my loveI don't know about my lovin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm lovin', lovin', lovin', lovin'Might as well love you
I don't know about my dreamsI don't know about my dreamin' anymoreAll that I know is I'm fallin', fallin', fallin', fallin'Might as well fall in.