http://www.ten15am.com/
and i bet you can guess what i'm doing between 10:15 and 10:16 tomorrow morning....
10.09.2008
10.08.2008
fal·set·to
[fawl-set-oh]
oʊnoun,
plural -tos,
| 1. | an unnaturally or artificially high-pitched voice or register, esp. in a man. |
i admit it.
hi, my name is nathania tenwolde and {evidently} i am addicted to falsettos.
radiohead. thom yorke. sigur rós. bon iver. i'm sure there are more hiding deeper in the vaults of my music collection. delicacy, gentility, agility, longing, the list goes on of all the qualities these singers share. hmmmm...opposite of the defining characteristics of my father. but let me not get too freudian.
what i do find interesting is the fact that this thing that drives me to such acute levels of being-ness and truth is a scion of the world false.
currently listening to: sigur rós.
sigur rós
a land & soundscape laid itself out in the two hours they took the stage. wide. expansive. spacious. otherworldly. fey. playful. full of despair. humble. delicate and yet so raw and primally alive.
alpha/omega. how wonderfully they walked the line of opposites. everything toeing the edge. heartbreaking harmonies moving nimbly into shattering cacophony. hopelessness and tragedy traversing suddenly into the realm of boundless joy and wonder-full hope.
the song festival is an example of their ability to inhabit the entire spectrum of human emotions. it's a nine and a half minute song that spends the first half a mournful threnody and the second half living the same musical theme in an ecstasy of celebration. i purchased the album a day after my grandfather passed away and spent a good deal of time listening to the first half of the song on repeat. when i was done with the heaviness of grief, the second half of the song was waiting to carry me forward. when they performed it live, there was a beautiful pause in the song that the audience interpreted as their being finished, but i smiled as they rolled over the applause and continued the song. my body knew there was more.
but i'm getting ahead of myself.
it was madness getting down to portland. a two and a half hour drive (at most) was over four hours and all the delays happened at the beginning with no assurances that there wouldn't be further delays. i arrived as the last song of the opening band was played and my shoulders were still rock hard and located somewhere in the region of my ears. not comfortable. but i was in the fourth row just to the right of the center. a lucky last minute ticket that was only slightly above face value. the extended conversation with my neighbor about sigur rós and radiohead {he was also at the auburn show which was 2/3} put me at ease again. i had arrived. i was ready.
the lights lowered. smoke filled the stage and the opening notes of svefn-g-englar welcomed me with the thrill of goosebumps and a rush of barely contained excitement. i texted a friend "here we go" and buckled in for the ride.
the band was wearing a whimsical array of outfits that, for the most part, would have looked at home on the set of stardust. tails. a bowler hat adorned with a feather. jónsi was wearing a mid-thigh coat with buttons i wanted to see up close and a pair of feathers on his head that suggested elf ears whenever he bent over in a gesture of release or genuflection {which he did frequently}. there were sparkles on faces. a silly crown. and a pair of shiny red track pants on the drummer who was brilliant and the only modernly attired member.
they cast a spell that took me in and held me from the first moment and jónsi hadn't opened his mouth.
then he began singing and that was the point of no return.
this man......yeah.
there was something incredibly compelling about his motionless poise in contrast with the soaring acrobatics of his voice as it danced above his body and into my own. perhaps it was the contrast to thom yorke who's genius as a conduit rests as much in his gestures as his vocal chords, but even when jónsi was playing the guitar with his bow, the movements of his arms and body were completely tethered to the purpose of making music with the instrument and were expressive of that act alone. somehow, without being disconnected, the movements didn't distract or take away from the this stillness and collectedness of self. and it emanated from his chest and face and vibrated in the air around him and his economy of movement provided this dias for everything and anything to soar out from his mouth.
a little way into the first song he put the mic to his forehead to amplify the resonance of his head voice which created this sense of space and distance. and toward the end of the song he took it one step further and sang through his guitar. it brought to the sold out concert hall the emptiness of open water and wide spaces of lonely continents. and the last note of svefn-g-englar lasted for eternity. there wasn't enough air in the room to support the duration of that note, and still it continued. the swan song of this amazing first number.
and i realized: as much as i have listened to the music of sigur rós for years, i was not prepared for the experience of jónsi's voice live. i was instantly moved to a place beyond words and often beyond thought. and this was just the first song.
jónsi singing through his guitar
the one song where his movements were my main focus was towards the very end {and it was also the one time in all the summer's concerts where i wanted a zoom lens}. it was the song all alright from their newest album. i think he was most still during this piece and yet his hands, moving between his solar plexus and heart, held so much specific yet unconsciously articulated energy. the fingers were overly straight and the movements slow yet conveying these surges of emotive overload that i still don't have adequate words to create a definition or explanation. i was completely drawn in and curious. a babble of meaningless sign language that is as expressive as his songs in hopelandic. no signifier attached to a signified, yet so much was conveyed. primitive. primal. and universal.
all alright. complete stillness.
the set design was amazing. it was calm and minimalistic after the restless lights of the in rainbows tour {which was a joy of a different flavor}. the minimalism was a light wash of color and tone to the broad canvas of space around them and it altered magnificently with each song. there were blurry videos of people. open landscapes and playful colors yet they all left room and freedom to bring oneself to each song. i quickly discovered i still could not bring enough of myself. i {again} prevented myself from going through the whole show with my self fully open though less painfully than the radiohead tour. but i was able to be very present at first. a grounding rod for lighting begging to be struck.
and lightning hit fairly quickly. the third song was ny batteri and in the first massive crescendo of the concert, the sound completely filled the entire hall. it wasn't a blasting noise of shattering eardrums, but a rush of music that was simultaneously buoyant and submerging. and, in that instant, there was only self and the sound. no breath. no thought. no movement. no distinction even where i ended and the music began. just a sense of a conjoined being that filled the entire concert hall.
i was blissfully submersed in their full glory with a smile helplessly bobbing on my face. it was the most perfect moment of the concert.
and for some reason this expansive sense of self was threatening because that was the point i reined myself in emotionally. not that i didn't let myself feel the rest of the concert, because i did and it was glorious, i just never reached the transcendent and unhindered planes that the first three songs, and particularly this one moment, inhabited. this emotional disassociation is akin to the experience of radiohead {which i still need to finishing writing about} and i'm just now beginning to realize how much it is tied to the desires i have to create these heightened states of being in my own art as well as the desire to create a space for others to experience and navigate. somehow if i don't really let myself feel other people doing what i want to do, even if it's a different medium, i won't be restless or envious.
but i digress.
the one song where his movements were my main focus was towards the very end {and it was also the one time in all the summer's concerts where i wanted a zoom lens}. it was the song all alright from their newest album. i think he was most still during this piece and yet his hands, moving between his solar plexus and heart, held so much specific yet unconsciously articulated energy. the fingers were overly straight and the movements slow yet conveying these surges of emotive overload that i still don't have adequate words to create a definition or explanation. i was completely drawn in and curious. a babble of meaningless sign language that is as expressive as his songs in hopelandic. no signifier attached to a signified, yet so much was conveyed. primitive. primal. and universal.
all alright. complete stillness.
another moment that was pretty fantastic was during the first of two waves of confetti dropped from the ceiling. a laugh burst out of me so unexpectedly, and then continued as a giggle as it rained paper and color. i was giddy. i was delighted. i was five. it was brilliant.
shortly thereafter they invited the opening band on stage and us as an audience to stand and clap for gobbledigook. and we did as an abundance of light and color and confetti and joy poured into the space. it was amazing. the whole crowd was alive and clapped in a frenzy throughout the entire song. no gradual withdrawl of participation that normally happens. we were there. with them in excess, for every beat of the song.
gobbledigook.
my delight in the confetti.
{the orange and red on my shirt is confetti}
i had texted a friend "confetti!" when it first fell, not realizing the earlier message from him saying "grab some confetti" was intended to be literal. his response was "hold on for popplagid" and it was not enough of a warning because the song was bigger than anything imaginable. it was the second song of the encore and followed all alright {one of their quietest songs}. the song runs over ten minutes long and it starts slow, luring you in, and gradually builds. and builds. and builds. and builds further than believable in this minimalistic concert. and not just in sound, but color and light and movement and at it's crescendo, i couldn't even keep my eyes open. the strobes sang to me through my eyelids and flickered their counter rhythm and the sound was massive and i absorbed it through every pore of my body.
..................................................................
their generosity was overwhelming.
and left me filled past the brim.
the winding up of popplagid.
their final genuflection.
humble.
oh so humble.
oh so humble.
whenever i think back to the experience of jónsi's voice, i just have this incredible sense of grace and agility and softness and poignancy and magic. i saw the man and i saw his mouth move and i heard the heartbeat of his voice in each audible breath he took, yet my mind still can't wrap around the fact that a human being was able to create those ethereal sounds. it just shouldn't be possible. and somehow it is. and somehow i was given the chance to witness the miracle of his performance. and i am grateful to the muse/music gods for yet another dose of their generosity.
-set list-
svefn-g-englar
glosoli
ny batteri
fljotavik
vid spilum endalaust
hoppipolla
med blodnasir
inni mer syngur
svo hjott
heysatan
saeglopur
festival
gobbledigook
---
all alright
popplagid
{i had a funny moment during hoppipolla where i realized that even if palin becomes president by some nightmarish twist of fate, if there is this much beauty and hope in the world, humanity will be okay.}
currently listening to: live performances of sigur rós on youtube.
meisner - day 6
i am an accommodater. i will bend over backwards, sacrifice anything, do whatever it takes to be liked. to succeed. to be perceived as nice. and it doesn't serve me. and later i wished i had owned up to my frustration when he wouldn't connect. deeply. i can be in conflict. i can be in conflict. i can be conflicted. just own it.
be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart.
try to love the questions themselves.
do not now seek the answers
which cannot be given
because you would not be able
to live them
and the point is,
to live everything
live the questions now
perhaps you will then
gradually
without noticing it
live along some distant day
into the answers.
~rilke
oh how this applies to so many things. substitute questions for: {conflicts} {.......!.......} {dreams} {hopes}
currently listening to: sigur ros on shuffle
be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart.
try to love the questions themselves.
do not now seek the answers
which cannot be given
because you would not be able
to live them
and the point is,
to live everything
live the questions now
perhaps you will then
gradually
without noticing it
live along some distant day
into the answers.
~rilke
oh how this applies to so many things. substitute questions for: {conflicts} {.......!.......} {dreams} {hopes}
currently listening to: sigur ros on shuffle
10.05.2008
meisner - day 5
today was in a class of its own.
sitting across from me, she observed you are full of hope. and i repeated it. a few times. until i realized how much the opposite is true and the bittersweet feeling of hope and hopelessness shouted their mingled {mangled} presence inside of me.
and then she said you are crying.
hope has been such a loaded theme in my life. particularly this past year. it's one of the beautiful traits of nathania. yet it walks the line between being a positive/resonant force in my life and conversely a denial of reality. a tool to ignore grief. a reason to keep from changing or taking action.
as soon as she sat down, the next woman asked what would lift your spirits right now? the irony that she couldn't possibly foresee is that the first thing that would come to my mind is something i am increasingly feeling hopeless about. it's not a huge tragedy, nor would getting it be a huge victory {i say this realizing i may be underestimating myself here}, but receiving it would lift my spirits.
the next time i sat down tonight, i had a completely opposite experience. rather than sitting across from a deeply connected friend, i sat across someone new. someone with whom i had to reach for a connection. perhaps too far. she said a little ways in you're annoying. wham! that hit me hard. i repeated it searching for sympathy. emphasizing my earnestness. i think i found it.
at the mid-way point, we ran into a giggle. innocuous at first it escalated. and escalated. and escalated to some of the biggest laughs i have ever given or received. i said you have a glorious laugh. and we repeated it when we were able to even inhale.
{no, breathing was not a given during this laughter}.
later i said you shriek when you laugh. and we shrieked. we stomped. we bellowed. she said you're crying. and i was again, but for the completely opposite reason.
it was marvelous.
it was madness.
and the laughter was so alive, it had a mind of its own and it took us places we couldn't foresee. we spent forever there. minutes. hours. lifetimes. there was no exit.
and still we kept going.
until she leaned over and i said you're crying. and these were tears of grief. a heaviness. a mystery. it was full circle.
we eased to a close and i thanked her. it was such a gift of self. somehow. this cycle through a near conflict to something so real and powerful it spilled out of our bodies and splashed to the floor. we were drenched and enjoying the experience of clothes sticking to our bodies. they weren't going to come off easily, but the struggle was amazing.
i got home, and needed a shower to ease the headache that had replaced the emotional high. god, i love class.
currently listening to: second brain - kaki king.
sitting across from me, she observed you are full of hope. and i repeated it. a few times. until i realized how much the opposite is true and the bittersweet feeling of hope and hopelessness shouted their mingled {mangled} presence inside of me.
and then she said you are crying.
hope has been such a loaded theme in my life. particularly this past year. it's one of the beautiful traits of nathania. yet it walks the line between being a positive/resonant force in my life and conversely a denial of reality. a tool to ignore grief. a reason to keep from changing or taking action.
as soon as she sat down, the next woman asked what would lift your spirits right now? the irony that she couldn't possibly foresee is that the first thing that would come to my mind is something i am increasingly feeling hopeless about. it's not a huge tragedy, nor would getting it be a huge victory {i say this realizing i may be underestimating myself here}, but receiving it would lift my spirits.
the next time i sat down tonight, i had a completely opposite experience. rather than sitting across from a deeply connected friend, i sat across someone new. someone with whom i had to reach for a connection. perhaps too far. she said a little ways in you're annoying. wham! that hit me hard. i repeated it searching for sympathy. emphasizing my earnestness. i think i found it.
at the mid-way point, we ran into a giggle. innocuous at first it escalated. and escalated. and escalated to some of the biggest laughs i have ever given or received. i said you have a glorious laugh. and we repeated it when we were able to even inhale.
{no, breathing was not a given during this laughter}.
later i said you shriek when you laugh. and we shrieked. we stomped. we bellowed. she said you're crying. and i was again, but for the completely opposite reason.
it was marvelous.
it was madness.
and the laughter was so alive, it had a mind of its own and it took us places we couldn't foresee. we spent forever there. minutes. hours. lifetimes. there was no exit.
and still we kept going.
until she leaned over and i said you're crying. and these were tears of grief. a heaviness. a mystery. it was full circle.
we eased to a close and i thanked her. it was such a gift of self. somehow. this cycle through a near conflict to something so real and powerful it spilled out of our bodies and splashed to the floor. we were drenched and enjoying the experience of clothes sticking to our bodies. they weren't going to come off easily, but the struggle was amazing.
i got home, and needed a shower to ease the headache that had replaced the emotional high. god, i love class.
currently listening to: second brain - kaki king.
conflicted {?}
i don't think i am conflicted any more.
i know there is room for error, but i do know i am impatient. waiting?
12v.520.autumnal.winds.
i spent $15 on a power adapter today for the keyboard i'm borrowing from eden. sheer bliss. and possibility and probability and potential energy. i want to relearn moonlight sonata. i want to learn radiohead songs. i want the music to come from me. i want to be open and flowing. i want to be simultaneously calm and tumultuous like the water on lake washington today.
north side of the bridge: quiet, glassy surface.
south side of the bridge: looks like a tropical storm is brewing. white caps. rolling waves.
makes me think of the painting i need to finish. a simultaneous dream jai and i had. well, each a different one about the other, but at the exact same time. this painting merges the two. and i haven't finished it yet. but in many ways the scene it portrayed was one i saw today with the two sides of the bridge having the complete opposite surface conditions. it was even the correct sides of the bridge.
makes me want to finish the piece as well as the song that was a companion to the painting. sneaker waves. maybe that will be my artist date this week. that or organizing my art room. reorganizing. adding in an arm chair (which i haven't found just yet) so i can host people.
driving back was lonely. should've taken jesse home. had questions i wanted to ask and space i needed help filling.
currently listening to: cymbal rush - thom yorke.
north side of the bridge: quiet, glassy surface.
south side of the bridge: looks like a tropical storm is brewing. white caps. rolling waves.
makes me think of the painting i need to finish. a simultaneous dream jai and i had. well, each a different one about the other, but at the exact same time. this painting merges the two. and i haven't finished it yet. but in many ways the scene it portrayed was one i saw today with the two sides of the bridge having the complete opposite surface conditions. it was even the correct sides of the bridge.
makes me want to finish the piece as well as the song that was a companion to the painting. sneaker waves. maybe that will be my artist date this week. that or organizing my art room. reorganizing. adding in an arm chair (which i haven't found just yet) so i can host people.
driving back was lonely. should've taken jesse home. had questions i wanted to ask and space i needed help filling.
currently listening to: cymbal rush - thom yorke.
10.03.2008
green with envy doesn't even begin to cover it
posted on radiohead's site on the 1st of this month.
video for reckoner
hello
my mind is not functioning at the correct speed at the moment thanks to being in tokyo
but however and here
is one of my favourite video things that has ever happened
for reckoner it is, the result of somebody entering a competition to make an animation to one of the tunes on IN RAINbows.
on aniboom. you can scroll down dead air space and find all about it.. but anyway
so we asked them whether it was ok to make it the official one we use as it goes with the song so well. they said yes.
and if you're like me and find it hard to find videos on televsion any more, or even turn on the television you can watch right here.
ok now im going to fold some clothes.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=43774435
thom
video for reckoner
hello
my mind is not functioning at the correct speed at the moment thanks to being in tokyo
but however and here
is one of my favourite video things that has ever happened
for reckoner it is, the result of somebody entering a competition to make an animation to one of the tunes on IN RAINbows.
on aniboom. you can scroll down dead air space and find all about it.. but anyway
so we asked them whether it was ok to make it the official one we use as it goes with the song so well. they said yes.
and if you're like me and find it hard to find videos on televsion any more, or even turn on the television you can watch right here.
ok now im going to fold some clothes.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=43774435
thom
10.02.2008
eva.
we practiced our meisner exercises today.
3o minutes.
but a whole lot more lived in that time.
she knew what to say without me ever giving voice to the question.
you have a perfectly proportionate nose.
an ocean poured out of my eyes {which she had earlier called beautiful - i choked for a bit repeating that one. and we repeated it for a long time}.
she leaned in, held my hands and repeated it until i could own it.
during the three points exercise, two questions she asked that filled my whole body:
if you could interview any artist, at any point in history and get answers to all of your questions, who would it be?
she saw that i was certain of who i would choose. how right she was.
and
who of all people in your life would you want to see again?
the words she put to my response was go back. change or fix something.
she read me well.
currently listening to: ahuvanti - kaki king
3o minutes.
but a whole lot more lived in that time.
she knew what to say without me ever giving voice to the question.
you have a perfectly proportionate nose.
an ocean poured out of my eyes {which she had earlier called beautiful - i choked for a bit repeating that one. and we repeated it for a long time}.
she leaned in, held my hands and repeated it until i could own it.
during the three points exercise, two questions she asked that filled my whole body:
if you could interview any artist, at any point in history and get answers to all of your questions, who would it be?
she saw that i was certain of who i would choose. how right she was.
and
who of all people in your life would you want to see again?
the words she put to my response was go back. change or fix something.
she read me well.
currently listening to: ahuvanti - kaki king
conflicted {part three}
like moths to a flame.
i {we} can't help it.
and in the end {despite my impatience},
i trust the process and myself {and you}.
and i know one day i will hunt my battle down {with/out you},
but until then, i'll be here.
open.
waiting.
holding my self in my breath and trying not to squirm.
currently listening to: tabula rasa: ludus - arvo part
photo credit: the village movie stills
jenn.
i don't really know what to say. i had an amazing night of good food. wine. making chocolate chip cookies. lifetimes of catching up.
i got to tell all the important stories to her tonight on this first of many hang outs. and our stories came in squares and spirals and tangents and we went where they led us and then back again.
i even got to share the story i really needed to tell but didn't even really want to admit i carried with me. it came in whispers and cringes and hurried sentences and long, pregnant pauses as i gathered my courage about me and tried to be vulnerable without disappearing into the floor. no hiding from her though. no secrets. she sees me too well already.
i told her about jaimini, too, since today seemed to be about reawakening some of that story. i also told her about my last radiohead tour. so much grief in both that i still haven't even scratched the surface of. i want to let it go.
currently listening to: ...until we felt red - kaki king
10.01.2008
facebook friends
or not.
i un-friended him in facebook. it sounds like such a high school mode of defiance. petty. paltry. whatever. but it wasn't defiance, resignation rather. and it's done. finally. way overdue. i don't want to know if he's heading to vietnam or whatever the hell adventures he's living or doing.
i guess it's funny (funny strange, not funny ha ha) because the second night we were hanging out when we didn't know what it would become, we connected on facebook. the third night, when we started to get an inkling, we stayed up till whatever am in the morning playing a game of scrabble, also on facebook. well, i was playing both sides mostly and he was enjoying the company and putting in his two cents when he could keep up. an interesting metaphor for things as they began to unravel. don't ask me to do anything that requires any effort. duly noted. and couldn't you have warned me before you led me as far down the path as you did? and led you did. every. step. of. the. way.
thanks buddy. enjoy vietnam and beyond.
currently listening to: forgive - burial {which, interestingly enough, came up via shuffle and coincidentally enough, was a song i discovered during the worst of the breakup}.
i un-friended him in facebook. it sounds like such a high school mode of defiance. petty. paltry. whatever. but it wasn't defiance, resignation rather. and it's done. finally. way overdue. i don't want to know if he's heading to vietnam or whatever the hell adventures he's living or doing.
i guess it's funny (funny strange, not funny ha ha) because the second night we were hanging out when we didn't know what it would become, we connected on facebook. the third night, when we started to get an inkling, we stayed up till whatever am in the morning playing a game of scrabble, also on facebook. well, i was playing both sides mostly and he was enjoying the company and putting in his two cents when he could keep up. an interesting metaphor for things as they began to unravel. don't ask me to do anything that requires any effort. duly noted. and couldn't you have warned me before you led me as far down the path as you did? and led you did. every. step. of. the. way.
thanks buddy. enjoy vietnam and beyond.
currently listening to: forgive - burial {which, interestingly enough, came up via shuffle and coincidentally enough, was a song i discovered during the worst of the breakup}.
9.30.2008
meisner - day 4
not a comfortable day.
i blushed. and evidently it was the color of my vibrantly red shirt. that's a whole new level of blushing. thanks guys. it's all your fault. you provoked it, laid me bare. stripped me down for all to see.
not really. but it sure felt like it.
and as much as i could joke or nod or agree wryly, i find myself wrapped tightly, holding my self in and closing them out. keeping my layers secure. zippers up. laces tied. buttons fastened. generous nathania with so much freedom of expression and i just want to curl up in a fetal position and say damn you all for witnessing my shame. multiple times.
another student squirmed. a lot. perhaps they were even more uncomfortable. i hope i wasn't so restless in what i was feeling, but who knows. one of the observations was "you are resigned." and i was and wasn't at the same time. another student was so closed. a tightly clenched fist. fingertips like their heart completely turned in on itself. i have a softness for them both, even as i cringe. and why can't i extend that softness to myself?
hmm....what day is it? damn hormones. can't i just be on the other side of menopause? {she shakes her head.}
my two biggest insecurities: my height and my skin {you have a shiny forehead}. and really, i should qualify this to say that if i were suddenly 5' 6-9" tomorrow with alabaster skin, i would find some other thing to chanel my insecurities towards....my insecurity that is on a whole different dimension: my sexuality. we progressed to asking questions that the other repeats in order to distill responses. i was asked by a smug little punk: how old (or where) were you when you lost your virginity? and i had to repeat it, which i did after several moments of shiftingshrugginshirking and i think it was at least the second time i turned redredred in class. just on this day. not like i have a problem with the fact that i've had sex, or the story of that first time, or anything about it, but somehow, i was so exposed {all these men, watching me and judging, verdict: not in my favor}.
damn him. really. and not really. damn me. conflicted. yet again.
he said he would have asked anyone that question, but he knew what my response would be and he savored it and chose to stick with it despite the request for mercy in my eyes. i watched the enjoyment/playfulness/smugness in his eyes for what felt like an eternity of three or four seconds before he said it. the expected washed over me, and swept me away in my full body response and there was part of me that knew it could have been worse.
in the end, i know i don't really want to curtail the harder spaces, so there is part of me that is greatful sandpaper-to-my-heart sort of way. so, thanks, buddy? i really wish i would have gone with my impulse which was to retort with "why do you have to be a punk all the time?"
that is the lesson: should have gone with the impulse. the second time i checked it that night to the detriment of the work.
tomorrow is another day, and unfortunately, one where work still hates me.
i blushed. and evidently it was the color of my vibrantly red shirt. that's a whole new level of blushing. thanks guys. it's all your fault. you provoked it, laid me bare. stripped me down for all to see.
not really. but it sure felt like it.
and as much as i could joke or nod or agree wryly, i find myself wrapped tightly, holding my self in and closing them out. keeping my layers secure. zippers up. laces tied. buttons fastened. generous nathania with so much freedom of expression and i just want to curl up in a fetal position and say damn you all for witnessing my shame. multiple times.
another student squirmed. a lot. perhaps they were even more uncomfortable. i hope i wasn't so restless in what i was feeling, but who knows. one of the observations was "you are resigned." and i was and wasn't at the same time. another student was so closed. a tightly clenched fist. fingertips like their heart completely turned in on itself. i have a softness for them both, even as i cringe. and why can't i extend that softness to myself?
hmm....what day is it? damn hormones. can't i just be on the other side of menopause? {she shakes her head.}
my two biggest insecurities: my height and my skin {you have a shiny forehead}. and really, i should qualify this to say that if i were suddenly 5' 6-9" tomorrow with alabaster skin, i would find some other thing to chanel my insecurities towards....my insecurity that is on a whole different dimension: my sexuality. we progressed to asking questions that the other repeats in order to distill responses. i was asked by a smug little punk: how old (or where) were you when you lost your virginity? and i had to repeat it, which i did after several moments of shiftingshrugginshirking and i think it was at least the second time i turned redredred in class. just on this day. not like i have a problem with the fact that i've had sex, or the story of that first time, or anything about it, but somehow, i was so exposed {all these men, watching me and judging, verdict: not in my favor}.
damn him. really. and not really. damn me. conflicted. yet again.
he said he would have asked anyone that question, but he knew what my response would be and he savored it and chose to stick with it despite the request for mercy in my eyes. i watched the enjoyment/playfulness/smugness in his eyes for what felt like an eternity of three or four seconds before he said it. the expected washed over me, and swept me away in my full body response and there was part of me that knew it could have been worse.
in the end, i know i don't really want to curtail the harder spaces, so there is part of me that is greatful sandpaper-to-my-heart sort of way. so, thanks, buddy? i really wish i would have gone with my impulse which was to retort with "why do you have to be a punk all the time?"
that is the lesson: should have gone with the impulse. the second time i checked it that night to the detriment of the work.
tomorrow is another day, and unfortunately, one where work still hates me.
and the only thing that's keeping me from going off the deepest deep end at work today
good ole' thom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUEwrwINSfY&NR=1
"music is about triggering memories for people"
i have to think on that one. interesting. i hadn't heard him say that nor had i linked how i resonate in music {particularly radiohead's} and how i explore/cling to/savor my memories. as their music carries me further and further into my life, certain songs will always liken back to specific memories even as they make the present more alive.
since my new iphone isn't broken and the extra text message rings are apart of the update i received with downloading 2.1, i would almost consider the 30 minutes i spent at the apple store last friday as a bust. except. i spent most of that 30 minutes talking to a worker/fellow radiohead fan about the band. she asked me what my favorite album was and i couldn't answer. each carries with it such particular memories and songs of vibrancy and inspiration that i just can't choose. my one impulse was to say in rainbows but only because that is of the moment. it is creating memories to tether to the vibrations it creates in me and i am more conscious of that process now than i was with hail to the thief or the eraser. this year has carried with it several distinct emotional journeys and the album helped grid and define that process in a unique way.
............actually, i think i have thought more about this link between their music and memory than i previously assumed. i remember blogging after the first performance of the man who came to dinner. i wanted to listen to radiohead, but i deliberately choose their new song super collider. i needed it because it is a radiohead song, so it could carry me in my post-performance state like the surface of a wave, but at the same time, it was a song clean of memories/associations. it was a song that resonated just in the present and the present was all i wanted to hear and feel at that moment. the present was enough.
currently listening to: youtube interviews of thom yorke
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUEwrwINSfY&NR=1
"music is about triggering memories for people"
i have to think on that one. interesting. i hadn't heard him say that nor had i linked how i resonate in music {particularly radiohead's} and how i explore/cling to/savor my memories. as their music carries me further and further into my life, certain songs will always liken back to specific memories even as they make the present more alive.
since my new iphone isn't broken and the extra text message rings are apart of the update i received with downloading 2.1, i would almost consider the 30 minutes i spent at the apple store last friday as a bust. except. i spent most of that 30 minutes talking to a worker/fellow radiohead fan about the band. she asked me what my favorite album was and i couldn't answer. each carries with it such particular memories and songs of vibrancy and inspiration that i just can't choose. my one impulse was to say in rainbows but only because that is of the moment. it is creating memories to tether to the vibrations it creates in me and i am more conscious of that process now than i was with hail to the thief or the eraser. this year has carried with it several distinct emotional journeys and the album helped grid and define that process in a unique way.
............actually, i think i have thought more about this link between their music and memory than i previously assumed. i remember blogging after the first performance of the man who came to dinner. i wanted to listen to radiohead, but i deliberately choose their new song super collider. i needed it because it is a radiohead song, so it could carry me in my post-performance state like the surface of a wave, but at the same time, it was a song clean of memories/associations. it was a song that resonated just in the present and the present was all i wanted to hear and feel at that moment. the present was enough.
currently listening to: youtube interviews of thom yorke
the other reason i'm still sane at work
word: these two links had me in tears they are so funny.
http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/Teething_Baby/?msnAd_vid1#52085
this one i can't find a direct link to the video, but click on the below and search for "treadmill kittens" and prepare to die of laughter.
http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&vid=ef8fdba3-b14e-459c-9620-179c6a3bfc3f&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:68025d93-9570-4008-b54a-a183bb073988%2C260d39d3-fff6-4a74-89e9-f63a7ce4ac57%2C88aa136d-1e34-4e41-8052-5bd79de19bbf&from=MSNHP&tab=m1210975590336>1=42003
http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/Teething_Baby/?msnAd_vid1#52085
this one i can't find a direct link to the video, but click on the below and search for "treadmill kittens" and prepare to die of laughter.
http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-us&vid=ef8fdba3-b14e-459c-9620-179c6a3bfc3f&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:68025d93-9570-4008-b54a-a183bb073988%2C260d39d3-fff6-4a74-89e9-f63a7ce4ac57%2C88aa136d-1e34-4e41-8052-5bd79de19bbf&from=MSNHP&tab=m1210975590336>1=42003
9.29.2008
.................[skdfja(part.....two)wjsld]...............
from another email (same thread as part one below):
this process of not being able to write about radiohead has actually been good too. though not comfortable at best and hugely frustrating at worst. this is the biggest story i have right now and it. is. just. not. flowing.
i borrowed a concept from the artist's way (which i will also be starting this saturday) and just free wrote for three pages in my journal. i started by repeating the ideas that i have already put down and want to present in this piece, but eventually i started hitting new thoughts and gaining a little insight into what is at play in this block. most of the last page was mulling over failure and fear of not doing this in the way that does justice to my story.
it's something at least.
attempt #4 will come wednesday night. for now, it's way past pumpkin hour. i guess no 5am run for nathania tomorrow.
this process of not being able to write about radiohead has actually been good too. though not comfortable at best and hugely frustrating at worst. this is the biggest story i have right now and it. is. just. not. flowing.
i borrowed a concept from the artist's way (which i will also be starting this saturday) and just free wrote for three pages in my journal. i started by repeating the ideas that i have already put down and want to present in this piece, but eventually i started hitting new thoughts and gaining a little insight into what is at play in this block. most of the last page was mulling over failure and fear of not doing this in the way that does justice to my story.
it's something at least.
attempt #4 will come wednesday night. for now, it's way past pumpkin hour. i guess no 5am run for nathania tomorrow.
reciprocity
- main entry:
- rec·i·proc·i·ty
- pronunciation:
- \ˌre-sə-ˈprä-s(ə-)tē\
- function:
- noun
- inflected form(s):
- plural rec·i·proc·i·ties
- date:
- 1766
this word intersected my life
in
sev-
eral
way-
s to
day.
in
sev-
eral
way-
s to
day.
.................[skdfjawjsld]...............
this is my response to receiving the below link from one of the radiohead fans i met this tour.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCr5ds6DLgg
god. just the first five seconds of the video reverberates through my whole body. why can't i write about this goddamn experience? i spent 4 hours writing on saturday night and i still don't have this tour down. not even a start. at least, not a real one.
damndamndamn. they are amazing.
and it actually hurts to watch the video. like the tail end of a bruise somewhere in my ribcage.
i'm going to take another stab at writing this piece tonight. take it from a totally different approach see where it goes. i need two computers, one where i'm looking at the clips and the other where i'm just writing. maybe i'll go old school and hand write this out. transpose it later into blog form.
thanks for keeping the links coming, jason (and theresa). it keeps the experience alive in me.
currently listening to: talk show host {live} - radiohead
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCr5ds6DLgg
god. just the first five seconds of the video reverberates through my whole body. why can't i write about this goddamn experience? i spent 4 hours writing on saturday night and i still don't have this tour down. not even a start. at least, not a real one.
damndamndamn. they are amazing.
and it actually hurts to watch the video. like the tail end of a bruise somewhere in my ribcage.
i'm going to take another stab at writing this piece tonight. take it from a totally different approach see where it goes. i need two computers, one where i'm looking at the clips and the other where i'm just writing. maybe i'll go old school and hand write this out. transpose it later into blog form.
thanks for keeping the links coming, jason (and theresa). it keeps the experience alive in me.
currently listening to: talk show host {live} - radiohead
my year in the words of kanye west
so, i'm a little sheepish about the part of me that loves a good r & b tune. i don't know why. actually, maybe i do. i think it might be that the genre is pretty sexy/sensual and i am shy about owning that part of me {for the most part, there are weird and random exceptions}. and then part of me is a music snob. sigh...yes, it's true. i like deep music. but i should own up that i also like fun music.
anyway, i was just sent this song by my primary dealer of r & b music {eden smith - woot woot}. it doesn't happen often where the lyrics of a song jump out this quickly, but i immediately looked them up and was struck at how it tells quite a bit about one of the larger events of the year. the narrator switches in my mind. alternating between different points of view on the same relationship space.
and on the topic of jaimini, my friend rachel is amazing. she warms my heart through and through. i've only seen her a few times this year and one of them was this past sunday. sitting on her couch lapping up the sunshine, we were reminiscing about an evening jai and i spent with rachel and her husband at the end of january. she said: "that night was so much fun. {a beat} i keep thinking: i fed that man soup and he did this."
even though it's all old history now and onwards and upwards for me, sometimes care from friends can be expressed so poignantly you just want to melt into the floor.
this was one of those times.
currently listening to: love lockdown - kanye west
anyway, i was just sent this song by my primary dealer of r & b music {eden smith - woot woot}. it doesn't happen often where the lyrics of a song jump out this quickly, but i immediately looked them up and was struck at how it tells quite a bit about one of the larger events of the year. the narrator switches in my mind. alternating between different points of view on the same relationship space.
and on the topic of jaimini, my friend rachel is amazing. she warms my heart through and through. i've only seen her a few times this year and one of them was this past sunday. sitting on her couch lapping up the sunshine, we were reminiscing about an evening jai and i spent with rachel and her husband at the end of january. she said: "that night was so much fun. {a beat} i keep thinking: i fed that man soup and he did this."
even though it's all old history now and onwards and upwards for me, sometimes care from friends can be expressed so poignantly you just want to melt into the floor.
this was one of those times.
love lockdown - kanye west
i'm not loving you way i wanted to
what i had to do, had to run from you
i'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
and that haunted me all the way home
what i had to do, had to run from you
i'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
and that haunted me all the way home
so you never know, never never know
never know enough, 'til it's over love
'til we lose control, system overload
screaming: no, no, no, n-no!
never know enough, 'til it's over love
'til we lose control, system overload
screaming: no, no, no, n-no!
i'm not loving you way i wanted to
see i wanna move, but can't escape from you
so i keep it low, keep a secret code
so everybody else don't have to know
see i wanna move, but can't escape from you
so i keep it low, keep a secret code
so everybody else don't have to know
so keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown
keeping your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, you lose
i'm not loving you way i wanted to
i can't keep my cool so i keep it true
i got something to lose so i gotta move
i can't keep myself and still keep you too
keeping your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, you lose
i'm not loving you way i wanted to
i can't keep my cool so i keep it true
i got something to lose so i gotta move
i can't keep myself and still keep you too
so i keep in mind when i'm on my own
somewhere far from home in the danger zone
how many times did i did ya for it finally got through
you lose, you lose
somewhere far from home in the danger zone
how many times did i did ya for it finally got through
you lose, you lose
i'm not loving you way i wanted to
see i had to go, see i had to move
no more wasting time, you can't wait for life
we're just racing time, where's the finish line
see i had to go, see i had to move
no more wasting time, you can't wait for life
we're just racing time, where's the finish line
so keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown
keeping your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, you lose
keeping your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, you lose
i'm not loving you way i wanted to
i bet no one knew i got no one new
i know i said i'm through, but got love for you
but i'm not loving you way i wanted to
but i'm not loving you way i wanted to
gotta keep it going, keep the loving going
keep it on a roll, only god knows
if i be with you, baby i'm confused
you choose, you choose
keep it on a roll, only god knows
if i be with you, baby i'm confused
you choose, you choose
i'm not loving you way i wanted to
where i wanna go i don't need you
i've been down this road too many times before
where i wanna go i don't need you
i've been down this road too many times before
i'm not loving you way i wanted to
'so keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown
keeping your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, you lose, you lose
you lose, you lose, you lose
keeping your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, your love lockdown
now keep your love lockdown, you lose, you lose
you lose, you lose, you lose
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvk0zgapL6w
currently listening to: love lockdown - kanye west
9.28.2008
meisner - day 3
we started with a trust exercise. we took turns closing our eyes and being led around the room by another classmate. first by touch and then by sound. we were led on a journey and guided to touch objects. inhale scents. discover sounds. i've done this before, but today was different. pretty brilliant. robin had us write, non-stop and uncensored, for a few minutes immediately after the exercise.
i followed first and this is what i wrote:
ivy walker. blind. intimacy. discoveries of sounds and textures and caressing things. the door. a state of grace and being graced. trust. above all trust. fear at losing the contact. head touched pillar in despair because i would be afraid. any time the light flickered i flinched. cinnamon is strong and reminded me of the scent game we played in preschool. i wondered what word i would choose. i tried to keep my heart open. will i. will i. couldn't stop. the guide. an intimacy of spirits. i tried to keep my trust up. i didn't want him to fail or me to fail.
i led second and this is what i wrote:
the biggest smile he had was for the blank wall. his fingers felt everything and his face was squenched up in this tightly spun amazement or disbelief. he kept on traveling, caressing nothing and everything and his fingers found all the jewels of texture it was fascinating and my joy was paternalistic. i felt very responsible. the water on the arm was a great response. his shock and then his slow smile. slow smile from the curry as well while i waited and waited for it knowing my own reaction to the scent. i wanted him to push back more.
the repeating exercise took the next step today. and any time i was sitting down in the seat my whole body was oscillating with potential energy. sheer force. and my jaw is still clenched.
i followed first and this is what i wrote:
ivy walker. blind. intimacy. discoveries of sounds and textures and caressing things. the door. a state of grace and being graced. trust. above all trust. fear at losing the contact. head touched pillar in despair because i would be afraid. any time the light flickered i flinched. cinnamon is strong and reminded me of the scent game we played in preschool. i wondered what word i would choose. i tried to keep my heart open. will i. will i. couldn't stop. the guide. an intimacy of spirits. i tried to keep my trust up. i didn't want him to fail or me to fail.
i led second and this is what i wrote:
the biggest smile he had was for the blank wall. his fingers felt everything and his face was squenched up in this tightly spun amazement or disbelief. he kept on traveling, caressing nothing and everything and his fingers found all the jewels of texture it was fascinating and my joy was paternalistic. i felt very responsible. the water on the arm was a great response. his shock and then his slow smile. slow smile from the curry as well while i waited and waited for it knowing my own reaction to the scent. i wanted him to push back more.
the repeating exercise took the next step today. and any time i was sitting down in the seat my whole body was oscillating with potential energy. sheer force. and my jaw is still clenched.
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