bestow

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bestow \bih-STOH\, transitive verb:

1. to present as a gift or an honor; confer.
2. to apply; use

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the dictionary.com word of the day today is bestow.
i found the word first thing this morning
huddling in my email inbox
sheltered beneath an email i stopped waiting for a long time ago.

a letter from my ex. the ex.

enter a state of temporary chaos lasting for about five minutes until my brain and body were fully awake and in sync. external chaos became internal agitation.

agitate. agitate. agitate.

keep in mind, i hadn't even read the letter yet.

the {current} boy had to be dropped off at his home
next, breakfast as the laundry finished drying
before sending him off to work

i returned home and an hour after finding the letter i finally had the space and coherence to read.

the letter: non eventful in words, and not surprising in content.

and the day progressed along a trail of responses, settling very quickly to a place of such grounded clarity that i could only acknowledge the simple truth: the last pieces of this relationship i thought i was holding on to are free to go, have, in fact, been free to go for ages now, but were tucked away, covered up and waiting for a day like today to surface and strut about, making a bit of noise for their final swansong then go away forever.
because the parade is over. long over.
and even the automatic response {of a compulsive over-analyser} to reconcile, devalue or defend myself against his explanations for this or that faded away to the realization that he is using physics to explain a simple arithmetic problem:
1+1≠2 for us.
that's that.

and i feel completely free of him and the ugliness of the relationship's demise for the first time ever. not a scrap lingering, even buried out of sight.

so now i go back to the word of the day,

bestow

and leave the connection up to you.