the other side for now

i got to my friends house about an hour and a half later,
but 45 minutes of that 90 was spent in the car with him,
trying to keep myself together
trying to let myself loosen the reins just enough
to let him in on what was going on for me.
it took us a long stretch of city streets and silences
while i kept myself to myself only feeding him tidbits of the story
as much as i could deliver without going into hysterics right there in front of him.
but it got to the point where he cautiously ventured into the lion's den and offered his hand to me across the emergency break and gear shift on my car. and later, i slowly offered mine in return. he was gentle, affectionate, tender, caring. and while i like to tell myself it's only because he couldn't get more elsewhere from someone he really wanted it from, iknowiknowiknow i am not a consolation prize to this man. he respects me and himself too much for that. but i dropped him off at his friend's house and drove away crying some more and trying to hold myself in until my own friend's house where the water works could begin.

so, yes, i got my melt down.

where it was safe.
far away from him.
and far away from the judgment i conjure on his behalf.
i was offered the emotional safety that the title 'friends since high school' and all that shared history entitles us in our friendship space.
and my friend talked me through my tears,
handed me a cloth hankie with a tree stitched on it {their favorite} to empty my nose into
and look at this, you even get to clear your sinuses out!
and made me laugh
and nathania, i have a nice bathtub with claw feet and i will clean it for you so you can take a bath.
and
you can melt down as many times as you need to
what better place to be yourself through this than here?
and cry some more.

i felt human again on the other side.
mostly.
and shop therapy came through for me in the end with a successful trip to the goodwill outlet.
for $17 and change {but minus $2.50 which i found in a random pants pocket while there} i bought:
four t-shirts
{one of which i'm super duper stoked about and the other of which was too soft and silky to pass up}
one skirt
one quilted cream blanket currently at the end of a bleach cleaning
a vintage suitcase to be cleaned out and turned into a side table to be wedged between my bed and the wall on his side of the bed when he stays over
{the woman who owned it decades ago went to school in walla walla, washington}
two books, one of which will be taken apart and made into a journal. it has some owls on the cover.

and i think that's it.

oh, but i also bought earrings and hair dye at fred meyer tonight and now have hair that is flirting with black. a shade darker than ideal, but it will fade in a few days and anyway, it makes my skin look creamy and matches my eyebrows.

ooooh, and we had thai food tonight too. and more leisurely hanging out with my friend, sea-oh.

now i'm procrastinating on going to bed.
yet again.
it's almost 1am.
i think i just want to cuddle with him, taking in that silent reassurance that only gentle physical contact can achieve so effortlessly. and kind of wishing i hadn't insisted on sleeping alone and at my friend's house, despite how much i've valued the last hour or two which i wouldn't have shared with them otherwise if i stayed with him at his friend's house.

so i guess the one-eyed feline resident of sea-oh's house will have to suffice for tonight's bed buddy.
her name is wiley.