one down, two to go

tonight was the first run through with an audience. officially an open dress rehearsal, but in actuality it was a full on performance. overall, some parts were a mess: missing cues, not enough voice energy, dropped lines, etc, but it was still fun. a huge rush. and backstage i had a moment where i realized that everything felt in the right place. i know for certain now that this is what i should be doing and where i need to move further.

i was able to find a little more flirtation between bert jefferson and miss lorraine sheldon, but i'm looking forward to finding even more tomorrow. somehow, with the audience there, i actually felt less exposed in this over the top seduction scene than when it was done just in front of the cast.

the theater high is a hard one to come down from. tonight's ending feels abrupt because we all parted ways and headed off to home and bed. work in the morning calls. but all i want is to be around the rest of the cast. this going off alone just doesn't feel right. tomorrow night and the next night we have appropriate festivities planned, but in the meantime, i really feel the lack. i gave myself five minutes in my car when i pulled up to the house. i turned the engine off and the rolled the windows down and just sat in the darkness with cymbal rush serenading my restlessness. george had suggested we take space for ourselves in this post-performance moment to collect ourselves and savor the experience.


and this time in the car was my space.


and this time blogging too.




and yet, part of me is already moving forward and we're not even done.

at first i had been taken aback by the fact that we go from this class to the nine month meisner progression with only a week between, but now i'm so happy to have the momentum from one to the next. currently we have 6 of the 9 cast members going on to meisner and we're putting pressure on the others to join us. our little ensemble.

my mind is wandering.
i want to sleep but thoughts keep intruding.
my heart feels full and constructed out of a foreign substance and my feet are filthy.
i just want to sleep and tomorrow find strength to do and ask for the things i want, even though my words and actions show that i can't or don't.
i want to call myself out and the other through me {him, june, lorraine}.
i wasn't really nervous. a little jumpy, but not really nervous. happy to note that.
wondered what it would have been like if jaimini had been there.
what will i wear tomorrow when we go out for drinks?
either my black top or my black bird dress {which has yet to make a debut}
i know what i'm wearing saturday night.
yes, you guessed it, my red dress.
reddress.
redress.
dress.
ress.
ess.
ss.
s.
z.
zz.
zzz.
zzzzzz.
zzzzzzzzzzzz.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.




currently listening to: cymbal rush - thom yorke