a week's worth of blue envelopes

i have been immersed in a few things {read: one} in my personal life and have not been documenting the sporadic delivery of my blue envelopes. they have, however, been a continuing delight, heightened by intermittent days of an empty mailbox that alternate with receiving up to four at a time.

this project is a wonderful source of joy and requires a bit of patience as i allow the responses to flow in at their own time.

so, for this week, thank you mike {again}, aunt rebecca, andrew, reid & kat, cris, lauren {who's envelope got a bit turned around when i wrote the address} & raelyn. don't think for a second that i enjoyed your contribution any less for not creating a post immediately.




currently listening to: white flash - modeselektor {featuring thom yorke} - on repeat {currently play count since last night: 45}

sustainability

sudden silence split seconds into syllables i can't translate.
moments get longer. add up. become ours.
sweet.
silken.
sexy.
serene.
sleep.
certainty. but not.
i am left with no context to understand
though my intuition is speaking while you are quiet.

this is...

bubble bath consolation combined with escapist reading, epsom salt and warm spiced cider. it's the first snow today. typical seattle-ite noncommittal fashion, but it calls me to draw in and hibernate.

saturday morning

this is...

messy hair still too tired to open my eyes despite sleeping in past 11 because i was up late last night living and breathing into new spaces.

only one today

but such a one as this.

i have opened all of my envelopes and crooned with delight, felt the singeing pang of distance and/or the honor of receiving long hours of planning, labor and craft.
but this is the first to be shaded by a sudden sting behind the eyes.

mike, my very first radiohead friend, thank you.



{sorry, no photo just yet. i was running out the door to a small vacation in lake chelan to give me a well-earned break from my cluttered headspace. r & r here i come.}

little lies

despite my best efforts at authentic living, even i find myself inside a lie on occasion, living an untruth that is easier to speak than what is really happening for me. but we've come so far together, spoken so much, you'd think i would be beyond that.

when you asked for the second time are you okay? i wish i had said no, and i don't want to think about why. but yes was easier. yes was "kinder." and yes was completely at odds with what i want for you and for me.

for once two was enough for me and we welcomed the stillness to come cradle us. but you broke into the silence with a new string of words ......one......two......three......that spoke through the okayness i had insisted upon, surprising me with my own grief. and the sad thing is, i have been here before. exactly here, though i still don't know how to honor myself without bruising you. so all i can do is accept those three words you gently handed me. all else aside, they are true and we are true within them.

i love you.

and for now that is enough.

5 today

today was another trip to the mailbox almost ending in disappointment, until i removed some junk mail and found not only one, gorgeous blue envelope, but one golden yellow ticket saying i had a package with the manager. the box i wasn't expecting had an address written in handwriting i would recognize anywhere and in the box there were not one, but FOUR of these lovely things i wait for daily. i had mailed out enough for a whole family of dear ones to participate in {yes, i am still being vague since there are still several folks who have not received theirs in various countries around the world}.










it made my day. again.


thanks, sheree, darling. and thanks michael, vivienne, maija & sofija.

warm winter suns

pizza!

today i outdid myself. what is normally a wonderfully fluffy and herb-filled crust somehow became a fantastically out of this world amazing crust. it rose beyond perfection, and then we ate it, which made it even better. our good friend, dune, is in town and he is the reason all the stops came out with tonight's dinner. pineapple. spinach. fresh basil. sun-dried tomatoes. cheese {some vegan too}. artichoke hearts. fresh made sauce {including balsamic to add tang}. pepperoni....

mmmm....tomorrow's leftovers.

anyone want me to make them a pizza? just come on over.

no mail today

which is sad. even though veterans day does mean more than just a bank and post office holiday {particularly after having spent almost a year working with veterans, helping them to tell their stories and finding my own as a sister of a veteran}. but right now, at this moment, it just means no blue envelopes for me to exclaim over. which is okay i guess, because yesterday i got another two and couldn't even contain my excitement long enough to photograph the front of the envelopes before i tore into them to find out what they contained.

well done, josh and sea-oh. way to make my day two days in a row since i'm currently re-living the beauty as i type.

4:16pm

and then there were two

another good day, but also somehow a little rough. various emotional hangovers. staying in bed until almost 1pm on gchat with my delightful new friend which provided a good reason to procrastinate further on the things that have been weighing me down. refer to emotional hangovers.

so, at 4pm i deliberately went down stairs hoping that there would be more replies while keeping the thought in the back of my mind that i shouldn't be disappointed if there aren't. but even from the outside of the box i could see not one but TWO. i let out a delighted laugh and said "yes! yes!" like a 5th grader that just hit a home run. but this is so much better.

thank you john & chris.

hell, yes!

1. i made a new friend today. and all the words i used in my previous entry {part #1 was regarding this friend} do not convey how much i've been bouncing around doing the new friend dance since the first email was received at 1:15pm. and when i say "friend" i don't just mean i met a cool person and we're going to hang out {which, sadly, in this case will be delayed since they live one time zone and several states over}, i mean i met another "soul sibling kindred spirit word pursuing truth 'i look forward to learning about the universe that is you, nathania'" sort of friend. so hell, yes.

and

2. i got the first envelope from my birthday project in the mail today. i knew i would. knew it all day. and when i finally got home at 11pm, i walked up to the box and had a short-lived moment of disappointment when it appeared nothing "pool" colored was in the box, but my spirit was rewarded when i reached in and pulled one out that had been hiding in the back. hell, yes.

it had a flower seal on the back and though i wouldn't let myself open it until i got to the sanctuary of my apartment, i did peer at the post mark and was able to make out st. louis, mo.

thanks, georgia.

p.s. i didn't say what was in the envelope nor its color because some of the recipients have not received theirs and i don't want to spoil it.

words pt 2 {or made and missed connections}

t.

i gave you my words yesterday
good and true
spirit-filled words
when all i knew was your name.

and then you gave me your words today
beyond expectation
beyond beautiful
and i am thrilled to find an openness and enthusiasm
i usually only see in the mirror.

and now i sit with hope for more words
written, spoken, and sung words
full of color and meaning

because this is just the beginning.

........................................................................................................

j.

you aren't giving me words right now
because you carry a story you can't share
and as i sat on the shore line
taking photos of joy
i knew your silence passed by me
less than a mile away.

words

e.

you gave me your words yesterday
finally
after a year and a half of silence.

and they are graceful, tender things
written on a yellowed page
from under the trees

i am grateful for them
and i am grateful for you
and your infinite spirit and generosity.

.......................................................................................................................................

j.

i couldn't give you my words today
the precious few i even allow myself to utter
they are gentle, hope-filled things
that are waiting for you to come back
in whatever way you can
to the door we both know you didn't close behind you.

.......................................................................................................................................

r.

you spoke words yesterday
quiet, disruptive words
when i had asked for silence.
they tripped me up and lessened me
my moment
and the space that i had asked for
because you aren't listening as much as you think you're trying
and i can't forgive you for it just yet.

.......................................................................................................................................

l.

i heard your words today.
broken, tearful words
shared across space and time zones.
and the gift of your presence warmed me
as i sat

still

and unmoving

with you


as the autumn slowly entered the car chilling the air.

.......................................................................................................................................

a.

you have no words right now
the inertia weighing you down
as i lean over and whisper for the annoying-th time
are you okay?
and i'll give you no more words
because you'd prefer to weather this in silence
but know my heart is with you
each grinding day.

tonight

of course i stayed up till 3am making everything as perfect as not-nearly-enough-time will allow, so it is as perfect as can be. which, for today, is what i am grateful for.

houses of hope

my hope has taken a little beating recently and has been a little slower to recover than i thought. i guess i am to blame because i keep stringing it along, far far far against my better judgment. but i also know that my hope is an optimistic organ and keeps looking up into the sky through its black and blue eyes.

two nights ago i was a little heavier in spirit {that weird black cloud of a day that came and went without much explanation} so i went to sleep mulling about hope and how to heal it. my thoughts were rewarded as i ended up having a wonderful dream, only a few seconds long, but one in which hope was this perfect new home i was being given.

all day yesterday i mused on the idea of this new house, somehow both warmed yet feeling like i was betraying the home i currently live in that is only just emerging in its full colors. and last night's dream relayed that split: i was offered a spot in a house with three housemates. one of them was my older brother and two other good friends {one of whom is an ex from several years ago}--all were old housemates. but there was this sense of going backwards and the space itself was ugly, carpeted, dark, poorly furnished, much like the house we all lived in together. despite the fact that it made sense financially, my heart was hurting as i made preparations to move in. but at the last minute, i canceled my move out and stayed in my current place and the relief i felt in the dream carried over into waking life as i woke up shortly afterward and was more than relieved to see that i was still in my own darling beautiful home.

between the two nights i am reassured. i am on the right path and the new space for hope that i am being given is the one i am creating a little bit more every day.

yesterday the new and infinitely superior earring holder was finished {thanks to az and his power tools--though i must say i was doing most of the drilling}, today a canvas was hung and the books were further rearranged. tomorrow is the first thorough housecleaning and saturday the second gathering of folks since i moved in.

yes, the two of us are a pretty content pair for now and i have so much gratitude for my ability to afford to live alone and in such a lovely environment. thank you, universe, for your abundant gifts. i welcome the hope that i find here.

singing lessons

okay, so because i think singing is the *last* art i could ever participate in, i am going to deliberately walk into my fears and take some singing lessons.

this is terrifying.

and because i have been taking myself too seriously lately, i thought i would put myself out there a little more and record myself singing and then SHARE it. i spent over an hour trying to get the perfect clip of me singing a sunday smile, but i think i like this one because of how imperfect it is and how much i need to stretch into and own myself in imperfect spaces.

so i am working on being okay with an unflattering angle on my face, shy run-on jabber, a hiccup in the first measure or two that forced me to restart AND, most preciously, a hilarious ending that could never be faked. so, enjoy.

bird play

they did three wide circles before they landed. i guess we aren't the only ones enjoying the great weather today.